Rising inflation explained as 'the 70s'

ECONOMISTS have explained what rising inflation means by asking if you remember the fourth-hand Chopper bike you got for your birthday in 1978. 

They have also asked if you remembered the fun times jump-starting the car, enthusiastic allotment growing or patching the crotch of your jeans, and suggested that if you do not currently you will shortly.

Economist Martin Bishop said: “You loved that Chopper didn’t you, even though the broken front forks had been badly rewelded at your dad’s works? You were happy then.

“Well, 2.3 per cent inflation, twice that soon, means those cheerful days of make-do-and-mend are back.

“Bugger-all channels on the telly, a week’s holiday in Rhyl in the summer, kids getting a new toy twice a year, borrowing the neighbours’ Hoover, it’ll be like it never went away.”

Sharing a home with a foul-smelling elderly relative is also expected to be on the up, as is running out of electric money and playing Escape From Colditz by candlelight.

51-year-old Stephen Malley said: “Do we get football violence and soft porn in cinemas back? If so I’m in.”

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Irishman praying colleagues stop talking about Ireland

AN IRISHMAN working in the UK is praying colleagues will end an embarrassingly ill-informed chat about Ireland, it has emerged.

The death of Martin McGuinness prompted a deeply confused conversation at Ultimate Print Services Ltd of Chichester in front of increasingly bemused Irish citizen Tom Logan.

Marketing executive Logan said: “Sally started it by saying the leader of Ireland had died and she hoped it wasn’t the IRA who did it.

“She went on to say she’d like to visit Ireland and take some photos of a leprechaun village, but was worried about getting caught up in the fighting. I decided not to get involved in the conversation.

“Neil said if the Catholics and the North Irish couldn’t live in peace they should split the country in two and send in the British army to keep the peace. Everyone agreed that was a good idea.

“They also believe the Republic of Ireland is part of the UK, the Giant’s Causeway was built by actual giants and that Ian Paisley invented the Riverdance.”

Co-worker Wayne Hayes said: “I’m just hoping the Troubles haven’t started up again when I go to a stag do in Dublin next month.”