Royal effigies 'a breach of copyright'

FERVENT anti-royalists planning to burn effigies of William and Kate have been warned against making their own bootleg figurines.

The stern message comes after a group of self-styled Muslim ‘extremists’ who almost certainly live with their mums, announced plans to incinerate their own crudely-fashioned dolls of the royal couple.

A spokesman for Royal Wedding Limited said: “This kind of activity is damaging to cultural cohesion, the notion of enduring love and our internationally protected brand.

“Officially-licensed organic Kate and William burnable effigies are available from John Lewis, the Highgrove shops and the Party Pieces website.

“They release a delicate lavender fragrance when torched, although they are equally suitable for being stamped on or smashed repeatedly with a large blunt object to cries of ‘death to the infidel’.

“Our official effigies will really make your wedding protest special, whatever your ideology. Just £29.99 and strictly limited to however many we can sell.”

Unremarkable subject of the Queen, Tom Logan, said: “Apparently these effigy-burners are a real threat to our society and a damning indictment of what happens when you treat foreigners as equals.

“But when I was nine I put my brother’s Action Man in the oven until it was just a pool of light brown liquid. This didn’t seem to break the actual army or something.

“I’m just saying, it all seems like a right load of fucking bollocks.”


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Wenger celebrates aesthetic qualities of the number three

ARSENE Wenger has said he has always admired the voluptuous curves of the phrase ‘3rd place’.

Speaking after a performance against Tottenham that football biologists have reclassified as a form of jellyfish, the Arsenal buffoon-wrangler compared sport’s obsession with number one with the fashion for size-zero models.

Wenger said: “Mr Ferguson may enjoy the soulless, sexless lines of the number one but for me the callypygian contours of a ‘3’ are much more intriguing. So to have two of them in a scoreline is very pleasing for me.

“And if we can persevere with the likes of Eboue and Clichy, we even come to know the forbidden delights of a round, juicy 8th place.”

Arsenal’s inability to hold on to a lead has been criticised this season but Wenger insisted that the order of the scoreline in last night’s match was a tribute to the time signatures used in John Cale’s 1973 song cycle Underachievement In C Minor.

He has also claimed that his selection of goalkeepers reflected his love of the work of Jacques Tati and that Nicklas Bendtner has borrowed heavily from the Absurdist writings of his fellow countryman Kierkegaard when claiming to be one of the best strikers in the world.

Footballologist Wayne Hayes said: “Arsene has always traded on his professorial, intellectual image and as a result, he’s managing his team in an incomprehensibly awful way that has your Nick Hornby-style Arsenal fan saying it’s brilliant for fear of sounding like a working class fucknut.”

But club chairman Peter Hill-Wood said: “I suspect Arsene is now about three weeks away from pondering the stark, brutalist contrast between the Rubenesque roundness of the letter ‘P’ and the Picasso-like angularity of the numbers ‘4’ and ‘5’.”