Ryanair To Ditch Passengers In Mid-Flight

BUDGET airline Ryanair has vowed to maintain profitability this year, despite rising oil prices, by throwing passengers from its aircraft in mid-flight.

Travellers will be given a raffle ticket as they board, or they can purchase one in advance via the Ryanair website.

Once airborne the pilot and co-pilot will pull tickets from a top hat and the winners will then be ejected swiftly from the rear of the plane.

Michael O’Leary, the Ryanair chief executive, said: "The key to profitability is fuel efficiency.

"We could simply identify the ten largest passengers on any flight and heave them out the door. But that's discrimination. We want this process to be fair, transparent and fun."

He added: "What would you rather do? Fly BA and get stung for an extra £20 for every member of the family, or travel with us at the same price, and take a gamble that granny won’t make it all the way back from Malaga?

"It’s better than being stuck in a home, and you soon lose consciousness on the way down.

"If we’re over the sea we’ll stick her in a life jacket so you can have a proper funeral when you get back. Otherwise, it’s a jam jar."

Mr O’Leary said the policy also offered families the chance to cut rising household bills by choosing to eject whoever eats the most food.

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BBC Stars 'Obviously Paid Too Much'

ANY moron can see that Jonathan Ross and Chris Moyles are paid far, far too much, according to a major review of BBC salaries.

The report, commissioned by the corporation's governing body, the BBC Trust, said in some cases the stars would not be able to earn any money at all if they did not work for the BBC.

The review was launched after the BBC ran adverts threatening to throw people in jail unless they contributed to Ross's £6 million annual salary.

The report stated: "Chris Moyles is exactly the sort of bumptious prick you could meet any day of the week in a Leeds boozer.

"If it wasn't for the BBC he'd be selling fags out the back of a van and getting his head kicked in three times a week."

The report also described Ross as 'one of this country's leading jumped-up researchers with a dirty mouth'.

It added: "If he was working at ITV he'd be booking guests for the Jeremy Kyle show and would be known round the office as 'annoying Japanese cartoon guy'."

Trust chairman Sir Michael Lyons said: "If these salaries are the result of the market, then the market is obviously fucked."

But the BBC defended its stars, insisting Jeremy Paxman could earn at least £940,000 a year treating people like shit on Channel 4.