Ryanair to drug everyone for a tenner

RYANAIR will drug you and your children to help you cope with the awfulness of it all.

For £10 the budget airline will give you a potent tranquiliser and for an extra £5 you get a small cup of water to wash it down.

A spokesman said: “You’ll still be able to buy things from the duty free trolley, we’ll just remove the money from you while you sleep.”

Frequent flyer Martin Bishop said: “This may finally convince me to use Ryanair. I’ve always had a vague suspicion that the planes will smell of urine.”

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Horse-catapulting placates Grand National crowd

THE organisers of the Grand National have catapulted a horse into the side of a building to compensate for this year’s lack of fatalities.

Disappointed spectators besieged the Aintree box office after being denied the sight of shattered horse bone and grim-faced vets with pistols.

Animal rights activists were also furious at having travelled to Liverpool for no good reason.

Speaking after the race ended with fully intact horses, spectator Wayne Hayes said: “I came all the way from Carlisle, at the very least I hoped to see an Irish midget dressed like Prince get hospitalised.

“Basically this was fast dressage. When my dad came here in the 70s he got concussed by a hoof fragment, now that’s a day out.”

As the crowd’s anger threatened to spill over into violence, race officials wheeled out a massive siege catapult and a mare called Dolly.

The wildly-neighing animal was hurled 400 feet into the air before imploding against the side of a nearby office block.

Racegoer Nikki Hollis said: “Its legs were flailing, like it was running in the sky.

“There was a ‘squelchy bang’ sound as horse met reinforced concrete and everybody cheered, the atmosphere was incredible.”