Scottish coffee actually lager

‘COFFEE’ served in Scottish cafes is actually high strength lager.

Researchers comparing different countries’ cafe cultures found that coffee in Scotland was fizzy with an average alcohol content of nine per cent.

Scientist Mary Fisher said: “It appears that 50 years ago the Scots renamed certain lagers as ‘coffee’ in an attempt to look sophisticated.

“Also they wanted beer to be considered an acceptable drink for breakfast and business meetings.”

Glasgow coffee house owner Tom Logan said: “I sell my coffee by the pint, or if you want to take it away you can have a four pack.

“You can tell the quality of the beans from the rich, amber colour.”

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Nitrous chargers to be only lasting relic of human civilisation

DISCARDED laughing gas cylinders will be all that remains of our culture in a million years, according to experts.

Researchers at the Institute for Studies found that nitrous oxide chargers, tossed aside by delirious chemical-and-littering-friendly ravers, will survive World War III because they are made of the same material as Wolverine’s claws.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “When mankind is long-since extinct, evolved cockroaches wearing shoes and hats will find these little silver cylinders buried in the soil and wonder whether their was intelligent life on the planet before them.

“They may assume the chargers are some kind of time capsule containing the lost secrets of humanity. They will spend ages trying to plug them into computers before realising that their ape predecessors were just off their tits.”

Professor Brubaker said all attempts to destroy nitrous chargers in laboratory conditions have failed.

“Lasers just glance off them. It’s almost as if they’re meant to be the legacy of a race that once had potential but ended up rolling around on the floor wearing stupid trousers.”

By 2086 large swathes of the UK, including Bristol, Brighton and half of London, with be completely submerged by a 20 feet-deep reflective ocean of spent nitrous canisters that is visible from space.