Steel worker grateful for chance to finish romantic comedy script

STEEL worker Tom Logan has thanked the government for not saving his job so that he can focus on writing a romantic comedy screenplay.

61-year-old Logan has worked in the steel industry since he was 19, but has always really wanted to write a film about two friends who fall in love while working at a cattery.

He said: “Manufacturing steel is okay, but it’s quite noisy and surprisingly dirty. Anyway I’ve got this great idea for a film that could possibly star Hugh Grant and Jennifer Aniston.

“She runs a cattery but is really disorganised and he’s a posh lonely widower with a moody Siamese. I’m calling it the ‘purr-fect date movie’.”

Logan said that if the government somehow intervened to help steel workers he would not have enough free time to finish the story, which is thus far just at the idea stage.

He added: “I understand that it’s difficult to get a Hollywood film made but weirdly it seems to be a more realistic career choice than processing the raw material from which cars, trains and coins are made.

“If the film doesn’t work out I’ll just write a blog about my sex life called The Molten Hot Lover.”

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Wearers of replica football shirts magically acquire strengths of team

WEARING a replica football shirt magically gives you the strengths and weaknesses of the team in question, scientists have discovered. 

Experiments on fans found that Chelsea shirts make their wearers arrogant but usually successful, Arsenal shirts make their wearers cerebral but ultimately ineffectual, and wearers of Millwall shirts are amazingly gifted at fighting. 

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “Initially, we only sought to find out why men thought they could go down the pub wearing a shiny Christmas paper shirt prominently displaying the logo of a Far Eastern bookmakers. 

“But, astonishingly, we discovered that the shirts somehow bestow the qualities of their team on their wearers. 

“Manchester City shirts make you incredibly talented but prone to blame your boss for any shortcomings, West Ham shirts give the wearer speed, flair and crippling nostalgia issues, and if you put on a Newcastle United shirt within moments you’re a total fucking mess. 

“Unfortunately we’ve been unable to confirm the effect of wearing an Aston Villa shirt, because we’ve not been able to find a test subject willing to put one on.”