Supermarkets stocking up on bizarre impulse buys for panicking, hungry freshers

SUPERMARKETS are stocking up on strange, exotic ingredients for first-year students who have never had to feed themselves before. 

Shops near universities are filling their shelves with chocolate-coated artichoke hearts, pre-sliced pawpaws and Adventure Time pasta shapes in preparation for an influx of starving, quirky 18-year-olds with loans in the bank.

Tesco manager Tom Logan said: “It’s impossible to accurately predict the mish-mash of nonsense items a student doing the big shop without their mum for the first time will buy.

“They stagger through the aisles, high on their newfound independence, dazedly throwing random stuff into their baskets in the hope a fellow fresher will find it hilarious. It’s so frustrating for us because this is the perfect time to rip them off.

“We’ve turned the seasonal aisle into a whole area where nothing goes with anything in an attempt to appeal to their fractured minds. Shallots next to sherbert, lamb shanks next to Nice ’N Spicy Nik Naks, and ostrich steak because why not.

“We’ve also replaced all our signs with Buzzfeed-style ‘what food are you?’ quizzes in the hope that will guide their choices. It looks insane. I hope they like it.”

18-year-old Emma Bradford said: “My parents aren’t here so I’m melting mozzarella on a birthday cake. And I bet it’ll be brilliant.”

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Mum adding insanely long and specific hashtags to every photo

A MOTHER is adding incredibly long and specific hashtags to every photo she posts in the belief it will make them more shareable, she has confirmed. 

Donna Sheridan has this week alone used the hashtags #ourjaydensfirstgoontheslide, #jaydengettingdizzyontheroundabout and #jaydendoingaliptrickonthehalfpipedontreallyknowwhatoneis.

Brother Ken Sheridan said: “They’re meant to be so people can search that hashtag and find more about it. Not the only one of their kind.

“Sometimes they’re so long I have to take a break halfway through deciphering them. And why would we even want strangers to see pictures of Jayden at the park anyway?

“You click on one of them and it takes you to the exact same picture, no other results. What literally is the point.”

Donna said: “It’s hashtags. Everyone uses hashtags these days. It’s the future. They want to get with it.

“Anyway, unfortunately I won’t be able to post as many family photos ongoing as a blue-chip British company has taken me on as their head of social media.”