Local hard family plans day of low level troublemaking

A LOCAL hard family has confirmed plans for a day of petty crime and pointless antagonism.

The Hayes family lives near Yeovil, where they believe themselves to be widely feared although most residents simply consider them to be dickheads.

48-year-old Wayne Hayes said: “Today I’m going to be driving round in a van nicking electric fence power packs. They aren’t worth much but they’re easy to sell, Terry who’s got the garden centre near Bath will take them.

“Actually don’t say I said that.”

Meanwhile Hayes’s wife Lou is pursuing a bitter feud with her neighbour that possibly started because he had sodium lights on his garden gnomes and they were keeping her awake at night.

Lou Haye said: “I went round and did a shit on his step, it’s just want anyone would do in that situation. But I am very reasonable and always ready to bury the hatchet with that twatty little bastard.”

Their daughters Lisa and Bethany, who are hard-but-popular girls at school, are planning to lock a supply teacher in the stationary cupboard until they cry.

Wayne Hayes added: “Do you want to buy a box of 50 windscreen wiper blades? They’re not nicked or anything.”

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Couple spend lovely weekend feeling self-conscious at hipster hotel

A COUPLE who spent a weekend at a boutique hipster hotel had a wonderful time feeling awkward and out-of-place. 

Martin and Leona Bishop booked the trip after reading about the destination hotel in a magazine at the hairdressers, and are now pretending to have enjoyed every minute of it.

Leona said: “They had a DJ right there in the lobby, which was really cool. And he saw Martin looking and gave him a 20-minute DJ lesson on the spot, mixing songs we’d never heard of together really badly while people watched. Which was also cool.

“It’s also a microbrewery and that’s actually part of the open-plan restaurant which is really stylish though it did make everything taste of yeast a bit. A lot. We couldn’t wear those clothes again.

“Our room was themed around a film called Gummo. It’s a cult film, apparently. It wasn’t the perfect decoration for a room. It was nice with the lights off.

“And for breakfast there’s a cereal cafe. I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch Sprinkled Donuts. Then I went back to the room and brushed my teeth for ten minutes.”

Martin said: “It was definitely different. But I gave it five stars on TripAdvisor because if I didn’t I wouldn’t be cool.”