Tena is coolest brand

INCONTINENCE specialist Tena has been vote the UK’s coolest brand.

The weak bladder experts beat Apple, Aston Martin and Alexander McQueen in the annual poll of Britain’s most aspirational companies.

A CoolBrands spokesman said: “The word Tena is synonymous with freedom – the freedom to go anywhere and do anything without pissing your pants.

“The absorbent pads are super discreet, it’s what we call ‘stealth cool’.

“Unlike iPhone addicts and people with expensive phallic cars, Tena users aren’t into showing off. They just want dry legs and you have to respect that.

“Also we love the no-nonsense logo and slick ‘droplet’ graphics to indicate the amount of urine.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

England demands English votes for French laws

ENGLISH voters have demanded the right to sort out the French once and for all.

Opinion polls have found that English people want to be able to go to France on holiday without getting all annoyed.

By taking control of the French parliament, English voters would be able to ban travel-related strike action, weird cheese and locals who stare at British cars as if they are spaceships.

Martin Bishop, from Hatfield, said: “We have it within our grasp to build a new France, fit for middle-class English people.

“One day I would like to live in France. The weather is much better and the farmhouses are about 50p each. But everyone speaks French and I have absolutely no intention of learning it, so that will require legislation.”

Bishop added: “They all speak English anyway. They’re just being arseholes.”