Sunday, 8th December 2019

The Brexiter's guide to products made by traitors

ANY business opposing a no-deal Brexit is committing treason and everything they make should be boycotted and burned. Here’s a list of today’s un-products: 

Vauxhall Astra

Vauxhall is moving Astra production from the UK, breaking the hearts of thousands of boy-racers who dreamed of being their Official Donut Tester. Astras automatically detect support for Tommy Robinson and crash cars into trees on election days. That last bit’s definitely not made-up.

Sony PlayStation

Only childish fantasists, ie Remainers, play exciting, immersive games that engage with others worldwide. Chuck the PS4 and get your kids a real-life ‘3D shooter’ in the form of a dangerously powerful air rifle to snipe buses, Ubers and Deliveroo.

Airbus A320

Once Airbus slagged Brexit it was clear to Brexiters that the A320 was not a reliable, economical passenger aircraft but a death torpedo built by ISIS. Don’t buy one.

Magnums

Unilever stockpiling Magnums suggests that they believe Brexit will be less than brilliant for everything, making them worse than the Cambridge Five. Magnums are disgusting because the ice-cream is too creamy and there’s too much thick chocolate. After Brexit they will be replaced by choc-ices.

Aviva insurance

Britain’s second-largest insurer is moving assets to Ireland, but insurance is for w*nkers. Seriously, where’s your Brexiter sense of adventure and risk-taking, never worrying about possible negative consequences? It’ll be fine!

Rolls-Royce

The quislings at Rolls Royce are downscaling aero engine production, which makes their cars bollocks. Ask yourself who drives a Rolls: John Lennon and Parker from Thunderbirds. Knobs.