The Brexiter's guide to products made by traitors

ANY business opposing a no-deal Brexit is committing treason and everything they make should be boycotted and burned. Here’s a list of today’s un-products:

Vauxhall Astra

Vauxhall is moving Astra production from the UK, breaking the hearts of thousands of boy-racers who dreamed of being their Official Donut Tester. Astras automatically detect support for Tommy Robinson and crash cars into trees on election days. That last bit’s definitely not made-up.

Sony PlayStation

Only childish fantasists, ie Remainers, play exciting, immersive games that engage with others worldwide. Chuck the PS4 and get your kids a real-life ‘3D shooter’ in the form of a dangerously powerful air rifle to snipe buses, Ubers and Deliveroo.

Airbus A320

Once Airbus slagged Brexit it was clear to Brexiters that the A320 was not a reliable, economical passenger aircraft but a death torpedo built by ISIS. Don’t buy one.

Magnums

Unilever stockpiling Magnums suggests that they believe Brexit will be less than brilliant for everything, making them worse than the Cambridge Five. Magnums are disgusting because the ice-cream is too creamy and there’s too much thick chocolate. After Brexit they will be replaced by choc-ices.

Aviva insurance

Britain’s second-largest insurer is moving assets to Ireland, but insurance is for w*nkers. Seriously, where’s your Brexiter sense of adventure and risk-taking, never worrying about possible negative consequences? It’ll be fine!

Rolls-Royce

The quislings at Rolls Royce are downscaling aero engine production, which makes their cars bollocks. Ask yourself who drives a Rolls: John Lennon and Parker from Thunderbirds. Knobs.

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The office brown-nosers guide to managing up

BEING a tireless busybody doesn’t have to be purely at the expense of your harried co-workers. Here’s how to put the squeeze on your boss and land that well-earned raise.

Start hosting team meetings for no reason
Senior management types usually run these things because they’ve been on special courses about how to herd groups of people. But hijacking team meetings is a great way to show off your relentless organisational skills to your boss. It’s also a good way to undermine their fragile position of dominance in preparation for your ascent to power.

Be overly critical of things beyond your remit
Delivering feedback can be tricky, so what better way to soften the blow than to give it to someone completely beyond your sphere of influence? They’ll be too startled to answer back, and their knocked confidence will make them easy to manipulate in the future. Plus you’ve just saved your boss from doing the dirty work.

Always ask questions at the end of a meeting
Towards the end of a meeting you’ll usually see slackers checking their watches in a bid for freedom. Show your boss who’s boss by asking a question about something that’s already been clearly explained. Bonus brown-nose points if this is during a meeting you’ve hosted yourself.

Arrange ‘fun’ activities where you can take credit for things
Managing up doesn’t have to be limited to working hours. Make lunch breaks more fun for your boss by arranging social trips where you can outline your achievements during Q3 over a Nando’s house salad. Be sure to let the entire office know that it happened once you return three hours later.

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