The Daily Telegraph's promise to its readers, sponsored by Canesten

The Daily Telegraph makes no apology for the way it has treated irritants claiming we are beholden to our advertisers, just as the Canesten range treats irritation quickly and effectively.

We have covered this matter as we do all others, according to our editorial judgement, informed by our values and without any distracting discomfort elsewhere thanks to the work of our corporate partners.

Our support for British business and enterprise has never blinded us to the failings of the industry. In 2012, we were the first to reveal that pharmacy own-brand products claiming to combat yeast infection failed to meet regulatory standards, in a campaign that most of the media outlets now sniping about HSBC showed remarkably little interest in at the time.

And our award-winning Olympic coverage in the same year, which exposed fungal infections on British athletes’ feet that the state-sponsored BBC chose to ignore, stood in stark contrast to our competitors’ focus on medals and personalities.

Once only a newspaper, the Daily Telegraph is now a groundbreaking multi-platform operation comparable to Canesten Combi which is both a cream and a pessary to deal with both the symptoms and the root cause.

For the avoidance of any doubt, we have no regard for the burning sensation that Ed Miliband arouses in rival media organisations, believing that he is a parasitical infection on our body politic that can only be alleviated using the market-leading techniques that have made Britain, and by association Canesten, great.

We are proud to do that which our critics cannot or will not do: to combine journalistic excellence with wholehearted support of our commercial partners Canesten, who will end the pain of fungal infestations within three days and clear them completely within six days.

Peter Oborne has thrush.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Unpleasant foreigners ruin cricket again

FOREIGNERS have once again ruined cricket with their incessant showing-off, it has been confirmed.

What had begun as a perfectly nice game between England and a different country descended quickly into a disgrace as the foreign people competed openly.

A spokesman for English cricket said: “It’s a shame the unpleasant foreigners have done this to cricket. I’m just going to come right out and say it – I think they’ve been practising.

“We invented cricket as a way of channeling our unnatural desires. It was never supposed to become a sport, especially not one that people are good at.

“Anyway it’s completely ruined now so it’s best if we all just stop.”

England is now preparing to un-invent cricket and has asked all the foreign cricketing nations to stop playing immediately and return the equipment to Lord’s.