The eleven chancers who list on Facebook Marketplace

SEEN an absolute bargain on Facebook Marketplace? Ready for the physical, emotional and financial toll that will be inflicted faster than you can say ‘Is this still available?’

The professional seller

The failing local business that believes 200 identical ads for their poxy refurbished velvet clic-clac sofa will bring business flooding in, despite their prices. Accuses you of ‘timewasting’ for not wanting it.

The exhibitionist

Not for this seller a photo of a crumpled garment on a hanger. This twentysomething blonde is modelling the jeans herself, phone in hand, pouting over one shoulder. Lists them as ‘never been worn’ while she’s literally wearing them.

The aggrieved one

Why are you contacting him about his bike when he sold it last month? What, because it’s still listed for sale and not marked as sold? You expect him to believe that?

The moron

‘Hi, what model number is this?’ ‘It’s a tumble dryer.’ ‘Do you know the make and model?’ ‘From Currys’. Dropping out of the chat ignites an idiot rage and comments like ‘You WILL buy from me twat’ which really makes you want to go to their home to meet them in person.

The pure chancer

She gathered up all her household crap and priced it with a confidence utterly disconnected from reality. £150 for a sagging, stained mattress? What optimism.

The scam artist

A brand new Audi A3 for only £2,500! Excited, you realise it’s a suspiciously pristine stock photo. And that he would be delighted to deliver it after you’ve paid off-platform.

The psycho

Her last crazed message ends ‘I knew I couldn’t trust you!’ though you’re not ending a two-year relationship, simply confirming that sadly the Ted Baker coat isn’t your size.

The one who’s above this whole Facebook Marketplace thing

Yes, she listed items for sale but no, she is not going to acknowledge your message or answer your questions. What do you think this is, a website for selling items locally? You must be mental: she only listed her Le Creuset pans in order to boast about them.

The craftsman

A large decking planter for £15? After hours of scrolling sponsored ads your spirits lift – until you read that prices ‘start at £15’ for a 10cm bit of sample decking because this man values his time more than apparently you do.

The one who wants to be lifelong friends

You exchanged friendly messages on the platform and miraculously exchanged cash for her battered pram. She’s now messaged you twice to ask how you are getting on and if you fancy a drink? You have to explain your relationship started and ended with the transaction. And you have a six-week-old baby.

The outright liar

‘FREE sofa!’ claims the listing header and most of the description, contradicted solely by the final sentence that reads ‘Free delivery only. DM for prices.’

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Tories to experiment with calling Starmer a 'fat wanker'

THE Conservatives are seizing control of the electoral narrative with a series of personal attacks on Keir Starmer, beginning by calling him a fat, sweaty whoremonger. 

Rishi Sunak believes he can turn voting intentions upside-down by accusing his opponent of being a wheezing, overweight arsehole who spent his career as a lawyer freeing murderers so he would not have to work past 2pm.

He continued: “Starmer’s hefty overhanging gut completely conceals his micropenis. Yeah. That seat’s not looking so marginal now, is it?

“His red, puffing face is that of an officious rival train who tries to stop Thomas the Tank Engine winning a race by citing petty rules and regulations. And when he shits it stinks out the battlebus.

“During Jeremy Corbyn’s anarchist raids on the Bank of England and the Palace Starmer stood behind him handing him bombs, and now Angela Rayner’s his dominatrix and does him with a strap-on. Also he lactates.”

Conservative chairman Grant Shapps said: “We didn’t want to get personal, in part because our leader is a doll-sized helicopter’s bitch, but the public needs to know the truth about Starmer. We have footage of him scratching his arse then sniffing his fingers.”

Professor Sir John Curtice said: “Now let’s see if that’s made any difference to the polls.”