The Mash guide to tax evasion
From the highest in the land to alcoholic derelicts sleeping in shop doorways, everyone evades tax and has tacit government approval to do so.
But what are the most popular ways to cheat the taxman?
— Pretend your home is your shed, your shed is your home, the dog is your landlord and you pay a £1,565pa tax-deductible service charge for picking up his waste. Keep each one in case of an audit.
— Make yourself into a corporation by adding Holdings Ltd to the end of your name, wearing a glass office block costume whenever out in public and replying to every human interaction with “I’ll have to send that through channels.”
— Friends in high places go a long way with HMRC. Invite Lord Fink to a party, or if he’s not available try his colleagues Lord Ratbastard or Lord Stoolie.
— Non-domiciled status is for the little people. Claim your permanent residence is a container ship perpetually circling the earth, and that any sightings of you in the UK are a remotely-controlled hologram.
— If you refuse to use any public services, it’s illegal to make you pay tax. Join BUPA, have your children educated privately, and travel on a secret network of unpaved back roads only known to hobos.
— Remember, tax evasion is graded in ice-cream flavours. Vanilla is fine, Raspberry Ripple is charmingly retro, Chocolate Fudge Brownie carries the risk of prison time and Bone Marrow with Bourbon Smoked Cherries means termination with extreme prejudice.