The moron’s guide to using self-service checkouts

SCANNING your own shopping provides excellent opportunities for annoying other customers. Here’s how to make everyone behind you want to ram a courgette up your a*se.

Scan like a simpleton

If your item won’t register, don’t simply locate the barcode and make it go through. Just keep swinging that bag of potatoes past the scanner like a malfunctioning robot no one can turn off.

Have a chat

Don’t wait to go to Costa to chat to your partner about the fantastic discount you got on those cheap kids’ pyjamas. Do it at the scanner where there’s a captive audience, who are sure to be happy for you. 

Bag your shopping annoyingly

Put all your items into the bagging area, then only AFTER you’ve paid slowly start to load them into whatever w*nky hessian ‘Bag for Life’ you’ve brought. 

Buy loads of alcohol that requires a cashier

Don’t take your massive booze shop to a normal checkout. The flashing light is like a disco ball designed to get you into party mood!

Treat it as a fun game for your kids

It’s all technology these days, innit? And what better way to give your kids a head start in life than by letting them scan your shopping in a delightful family learning experience lasting up to 15 minutes.

Make a phone call

There’s no better time to catch up with your mum than when you’re trying to tap the code for satsumas into the scanner. And you’ll have something fascinating to gripe about, ie. “Bloody technology!”