Three in five Tesco stores are overgrown ruins

SIXTY per cent of Tesco stores are roofless wrecks inhabited by tribes of feral monkeys, auditors have found.

The extent of the decay is concealed from shoppers behind “Working to make your store better!” signs which also serve as shelters for half-naked staff wielding spears made from sharpened mops.

Shopper Donna Sheridan said: “I did hear them once say ‘Rampaging rhino in aisle five’ and then quickly correct it to spillage.

“And the conveyor belt was operated by a chimp pedalling with his feet and making beep sounds. I actually liked that personal touch.”

The stores were last supplied with branded goods in 2008 and have spent six years packaging squirrel as chicken, dock leaves as rocket salad and twigs bound together with grass as DeLonghi ESAM04 Magnifica Bean to Cup coffee machines.

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Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
The eyes are the windows of the soul. The mouth is the patio door. The ears the satellite dishes.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Monday morning on the crowded commuter train and you hope your facial expression conveys “I’m honestly not enjoying having your hand squidged against my crotch” to the woman next to you.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Somebody says you have ‘a real vibe to you’ this week and you don’t realise they’re saying you look like a dildo.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
You and your friends describe yourselves like ‘The Three Musketeers’, because you’re always picking fights with Frenchmen.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
After not downloading the U2 album from iTunes and avoiding the U2 Apple ads on TV, the toast pops out the toaster on Sunday with an image of Bono burned into it.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
It’s definitely Autumn when you see your first ‘Woman cradling an oversized hot beverage while wearing a big cardigan on a sofa’ advert.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
After telling somebody to get their feet off the seats on a train, all you need now is a cape and a secret identity.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
For this year’s ‘talk like a pirate’ day you threaten to shoot Tom Hanks.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
It’s been several days now and the image of the Queen purring down the phone at David Cameron still has you sitting bolt upright in bed at night, bathed in sweat.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
After successfully completing a Buzzfeed quiz you are made Portugal’s Minister For Agriculture.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
On Saturday you manage to shave 10 minutes off your best 10km run time by having a triple espresso and a prawn burrito just before you head off.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
If in doubt, tell everyone you’re doing a ‘social experiment’. That’s why you’re shitting in their front garden, for instance.