Twelve Year-Olds Urged To Knock-Up Local Tart

DISGUSTING poor people across Britain were last night urging their 12 year-old sons to impregnate some local slapper.

This week thousands of young boys will be dragged away from their vodka bottles and told to find a willing slut who will get them all in the papers.

Angela Reeves, mother of 12 year-old Jason, said: "I've told him not to worry if his tart is already having sex with five other boys because that just means more stories, and more stories is more money. Innit?

"My eight year-old is still a bit young for actual shagging so I'm sticking him in an IVF programme. We'll need to use two grand of Jason's baby money, but you have to spend it to make it."

Dr Tom Logan, author of Freak Show Britain, said: "The freaks have finally worked out how to operate the machine. It's been a bit like watching a monkey teaching itself to drive.

"The newspapers know they are being exploited but they don't care because they also know how much we love to read about the jaw-dropping vileness of the freaks.

"And when we're not reading about children who are pregnant by other children or being kidnapped by their own mother, we do love to read the sordid details of how they are trying to make money out of it.
 
"I especially love it when the worthless, drug-addled father turns up out of the blue and starts hawking his child round Fleet Street. It's really quite Dickensian."

Dr Logan added: "Of course, there is a serious debate about how we tackle the underlying issues at the root of this problem. Personally, I'd sterilise anyone who lives in a house worth less than £130,000. Or do you think it should be higher?"

Meanwhile Alfie Patten, the 13 year-old star of the latest freak show, revealed he was taking a break from thrice-nightly sexual intercourse after discovering masturbation.

He added: "I don't want to miss out on an important part of my childhood."

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Most Footballers Now Under Arrest

ONLY one in 10 professional footballers in England is not currently under arrest, the FA confirmed last night.

According to the latest figures the most popular offences are sexual assault, grievous bodily harm and speeding, with two players accused of committing all three simultaneously.

Officials have also warned that the remainder of this season's European fixtures are under threat as foreign travel will leave many of the players in breach of their bail conditions.

FA chief executive Brian Barwick said: "Most have handed their passports to the local nick and the rest won't get through the airport metal detectors on account of their ankle tags."

Barwick said he was now working with the Foreign Office and the US government in a bid to fly some of the players to the continent using the system of extraordinary rendition.

A spokesman for the Professional Footballers' Assocation said: "Our members are under intense media pressure and should not be victimised for what may or may not have happened with that broom handle round the back of Chinawhites."

Meanwhile the FA has devised a points system which will be used to fine clubs whose players are convicted. Nightclub affray will score one point, drink-driving three points and serious sexual assaults five points.

It is understood one top-flight club has asked for clarification after one of its players committed an act of gross indecency against a listed building while under the influence of Ketamine.