DISGUSTING poor people across Britain were last night urging their 12 year-old sons to impregnate some local slapper.
This week thousands of young boys will be dragged away from their vodka bottles and told to find a willing slut who will get them all in the papers.
Angela Reeves, mother of 12 year-old Jason, said: "I've told him not to worry if his tart is already having sex with five other boys because that just means more stories, and more stories is more money. Innit?
"My eight year-old is still a bit young for actual shagging so I'm sticking him in an IVF programme. We'll need to use two grand of Jason's baby money, but you have to spend it to make it."
Dr Tom Logan, author of Freak Show Britain, said: "The freaks have finally worked out how to operate the machine. It's been a bit like watching a monkey teaching itself to drive.
"The newspapers know they are being exploited but they don't care because they also know how much we love to read about the jaw-dropping vileness of the freaks.
"And when we're not reading about children who are pregnant by other children or being kidnapped by their own mother, we do love to read the sordid details of how they are trying to make money out of it.
"I especially love it when the worthless, drug-addled father turns up out of the blue and starts hawking his child round Fleet Street. It's really quite Dickensian."
Dr Logan added: "Of course, there is a serious debate about how we tackle the underlying issues at the root of this problem. Personally, I'd sterilise anyone who lives in a house worth less than £130,000. Or do you think it should be higher?"
Meanwhile Alfie Patten, the 13 year-old star of the latest freak show, revealed he was taking a break from thrice-nightly sexual intercourse after discovering masturbation.
He added: "I don't want to miss out on an important part of my childhood."