UK sells last tiny piece of infrastructure

A TRAFFIC island which was the UK’s last piece of infrastructure has been sold to the private sector.

The island, which boasts assets like traffic lights and red bumpy pavement, sold for £12,200 to a Malaysian street management specialist.

Chancellor George Osborne said: “Thirty years ago the people of this country were burdened by an airline, energy network, telephone network, and postal service.

“Why, everyone asked, should these things be in the inefficient hands of the British state when they could be brilliantly run by the French or Chinese states?

“I am proud to announce from the SportsDirect House of Numbers, formerly 11 Downing Street, there is now nothing left to weigh us down.”

The island has now been temporarily closed to allow the construction of a Subway, Caffe Nero and La Senza, leading to 15 road deaths in the last 24 hours.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Some people believe you can make an ocean out of cocks but that’s just a phallus-sea.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
In the 90s you accidentally volunteered for Kriss Kross rather than the Red Cross and spent 3 months walking around the Sudan with your jeans on backwards.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
You’ve left it so long to get your hair cut this Friday that he will have to throw his leg over your shoulder like a sheep farmer.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Like Meghan Trainor, you’re all about that Bass. Not many pubs serve it these days, though.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Trouble at work this week as you admit to HR that your claims of a lengthy illness were not largely made-up but were ‘based on a true story’.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
The recent victories for UKIP have really given David Cameron a bloody nose but not as much as a sledgehammer across the mush would.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
No news from the Italian government about your suggestion for renaming one of their Strada “Erica”.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
This Saturday you have a fight in the lift of The Shard. Things escalate quickly.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Everyone has a Revel they hate the most. For some it’s the coffee one, for others the orange. Yours is the Craig Horwood one.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
The downside to your superfast 4G signal is the imperceptible time between hitting ‘refresh’ and seeing that nobody has emailed, Facebooked or Tweeted you.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Zoroastrians have 101 names for God, roughly eight less than you have for your genitals.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Next week, Russell Brand will write this horoscope. Using the word ‘narrative’, no doubt.