Britain's workforce 'needs drugs to cope with the shame'

DOING your job is probably less ethical than taking drugs, it has been claimed.

As Britain’s top policeman called for more drugs testing in the workplace, experts asked him whether he wanted corporate drones to start self-harming with staple guns.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Most people work in sales, marketing or ‘financial services’, and are required to fuck over their fellow man on a daily basis.

“Smoking weed is the only way they can get to sleep at night.”

Office workers Emma Bradford said: “My job is to ring up vulnerable people and get them to buy some double glazing they don’t need or can’t afford.

“Apparently doing this makes me a pillar of the economy. But I could lose my house for smoking a bifter. Go figure.”

Banker Tom Booker said: “My job is basically to ruin people’s lives. And at the end of a long day’s life-ruining, I need cocaine to take the edge off my waking nightmare.

“I hope no one ever realises alcohol is a recreational drug, then I’m really fucked.”



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Citizenship test to focus on UK's utterly demented values

A NEW version of the UK citizenship test will be based on the country’s warped value system, it has emerged.

Instead of answering questions about British history, foreign nationals must now prove they have the right kind of psychosis to thrive in modern Britain.

A Home Office spokesman said: “To truly belong here you must be borderline insane as well as completely obsessed with money and property.

“For example, you need not know when or why Hadrian’s wall was built, but you might be asked roughly how much it’s worth and whether you could get planning permission to add a double garage.”

Take the UK Citizenship test

Answer ‘yes’ or ‘no’ to the following questions:

1. Would you describe your mental state as ‘quiet desperation’?

2. Are you unable to shut the fuck up about how much you earn?

3. Is the culinary highlight of your day a Boots ‘meal deal’?

4. Are you scared of foxes?

5. Do you spend over ten hours per week looking at pictures of strangers’ houses on the internet?

6. Do you either never read, or only read books that have won some sort of coffee award?

7. Do you consider Stephen Fry and Stephen Hawking to be the only clever people Britain needs?

8. Are you only able to empathise with amusing animated creatures in television adverts?


All yeses: Welcome. Come and join us in the darkness.

7-5 yeses: Close – try again after you’ve exhaustively studied Mail Online.

4 yeses: One day you might be suitable to come here and do some horrible job involving potatoes.

3-0 yeses: Back in the wagon, Johnny Foreigner, or I’ll thrash you until even your hair hurts.