Unchecked immigration will lead to economic growth, warn experts

ECONOMISTS have warned that unless immigration is drastically reduced the UK faces the biggest boom since the 1980s. 

Newcomers to the country are accused of failing to integrate to our culture of clockwatching, timewasting and leaving work at 2pm for a fictitious dentist’s appointment.

Dr Helen Archer said: “Diversity and multiculturalism are not bad in themselves, but the lack of respect for traditional British values – half-day closing, openly resentful service, tradesmen not turning up – threatens the livelihoods of ordinary, not-very-hard-working Britons.

“If we keep ignoring the warning signs, this country could very well find itself an economic powerhouse like Germany, where employees are simply not allowed to spend a full day at work on the phone trying to get Beyonce tickets.”

But historian Norman Steele said: “We’ve been hearing this sort of alarmism for years, from the Jews and the Irish to the Empire Windrush to the Pakistanis and now the Eastern Europeans.

“However, in time, each of these waves of immigrants has adapted to our way of life and, by the second generation, do fuck-all just like everyone else.”


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'Jihadi John' hoping ISIS okay with people being unmasked

PSYCHOTIC terrorist ‘Jihadi John’ is hoping ISIS does not have strict rules about maintaining anonymity.

As his real name was revealed as Mohammed Emwazi, it is understood the murderer will be frantically scouring the Islamic State’s Most Excellent Book of Wrong for anything that may be relevant to his new situation.

Intelligence expert Tom Logan said: “Now that he has a name and a face, Mr Emwazi’s colleagues will probably not want to be standing too close to him.

“I imagine he’ll be hoping ISIS has an HR department that will help him ‘transition’ to an insane administrative role at corporate headquarters.

“However, I suspect the Islamic State may not feel it has a ‘duty of care’ towards vulnerable employees.”

Logan added: “If only Mr Emwazi had pursued his original plans for a career in IT he would have the benefit of a well-trained HR team that probably wouldn’t be a bunch of raving fascist maniacs.

“And he could still have had a cool nickname, like ‘the Wazotron’.”