We spend £2.5bn getting our balls fluffed, say bank chiefs

THE increase in the bank levy could force senior bankers to cut back on luxury ball-fluffing, it has emerged.

Chancellor George Osborne has brought forward plans to take an extra £800m from the banks in a move the industry warned could lead to a 25% cut in the scrotal enhancement perks offered to senior executives.

Barclays currently spends £220m a year running a state of the art scrotum spa on the top floor of its London headquarters.

A spokesman said: “The executive undresses, positions himself in the Fluffing Chair and places his ankles in the stirrups while a crack team of Vietnamese schooolboys sets about his groin with shampoo, conditioner and a range of fragrant oils

“He can either have his testicular area hand dried with eagle feathers and buffed with a chamois or we can use a Bang and Olufsen hairdryer and a velvet coated sponge.

“Or if it’s a nice, sunny day the executive may want to stand on the terrace and let his balls dry naturally while urinating onto pedestrians 300ft below.”

Martin Bishop, deputy director of the British Bankers’ Association, said: “If this new levy goes ahead banks may be forced to lay off dozens of Vietnamese children who will simply end up being forced to do black-market ball polishing for trade union leaders and Labour MPs.

“It’s a simple choice – we can either continue to pay ourselves as much as we want or you can feel the spray of fresh urine on the top of your head accompanied by the distant laughter of a rich man with a five star nutsack.”



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Northern gibbons are lazy thieves, say scientists

PRIMATES from the northern half of rainforests are more likely to be dishonest than their southerly counterparts, scientists have claimed.

Zoologists found that gibbons living in the northern, depressing regions were more prone to theft and less neurotic than those in the more desirable areas in the southeast.

The study also found that if a male southern gibbon has intercourse he will be consumed with anxiety for weeks and may even write a song about it while a northern gibbon will just wipe himself on a leaf and then immediately stick his monkey penis into his brother’s girlfriend.

Meanwhile southern gibbons were less threatening, had spindly forearms and spend hours hooting at each other about tree prices.

Professor Wayne Hayes said: “As we passed into the upper reaches of the forest, with a high density of municipal trees from the 1960s, we encountered a group of young gibbons who seemed to be just loitering around.

“The leader made a series of hand gestures, apparently indicating that if we wanted, they would watch our jeep in exchange for some pulpy, sugary fruits.

“We declined, which seemed to anger them and when we returned to the vehicle after taking plant samples, it was up on bricks with the tyres gone.

“The radio had been ripped out, my laptop was missing from the boot, and the whole thing was covered in shit and piss.”

He added: “Despite being a dedicated conservationist, I do hope these arseholes become extinct.”