'We will get feedback if we have to take it from your cold, dead fingers' vows online shop

ONLINE shops are beginning a relentless quest for customer feedback that will only end when you have given them five stars or are dead. 

Shoppers are being bombarded with emails, alerts, WhatsApps and text to remind them of their solemn duty to rate every purchase from a goose to a scarf to a Peleton.

Tom Logan received a menacing dawn visit from representatives of an online business demanding feedback for his recent purchase of a set of allen keys.

He said: “The doorbell went at 6am. I raced downstairs and it was a burly man in a branded sweatshirt who told me I’d been asked multiple times for feedback, my review was important to them and I should ‘let other buyers know what you thought of your item.’

“I slammed the door and he stayed out there, hammering and shouting that my buyer rating could be at risk. With shaking fingers I gave him five stars on my phone and it stopped.

“I immediately unsubscribed from alerts, which prompted an email asking for feedback on their unsubscribe process. I gave it in terror.

“Next year I’m buying all my Christmas presents from the local off-licence, who, as far as I am aware, are not arsed with this bollocks.”

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Next year to be mostly spent staring into distance thinking about sex

THE majority of next year will be spent vacantly staring at nothing and daydreaming about shagging, scientists have confirmed.

With the pandemic rumbling on and cost of living set to increase in 2022, all other activities that might usually be fantasised about, such as tropical holidays or buying a new house, will be abandoned in favour of hot sex.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “While most of our aspirational imaginings seem ever further away and not worth bothering with, there are always opportunities for thinking about intercourse.

“Even if 2022 is so dire that you end up living in your neighbour’s bin shed, you can have some wild escapist fantasies about banging the refuse collectors or the woman who lays the rat traps.

“The trick is not to get so divorced from reality that you forget that you are in a meeting or performing open heart surgery, or whatever it is you’re meant to be doing.

“Most people are good at hiding it, but getting so into a fantasy that you shout ‘Oh, yes, harder, you stud!’ when asked a question about the marketing budget could lead to embarrassment or, indeed, dismissal.”