We will keep telling you our nauseating brand story until you buy something, companies warn

BUSINESSES have announced plans to keep communicating their ‘brand stories’ until the public cracks and buys a product.

While capitalism was previously a transactional relationship between a company and its customers, it now revolves around breaking people’s spirits with absolute bullshit until they part with their money.

Business owner Jordan Gardner said: “Our brand story is about inclusivity and community, which is why we incessantly send you inanely cute and cheerful newsletters which make you want to punch someone.

“And we also value being authentic, grounded and human. Apart from the chatbot, the automated emails and our frightening lust for your cash.”

Customer Lucy Parry said: “Last week I committed to a year-long subscription to an artisan coffee selection box, just to get them to stop sending me videos about their sustainable bean farming practices.

“I don’t even like coffee, but I felt so worn down by the compelling narrative about the happy fairtrade growing communities they’d created that it seemed like my only way out.”

Gardner added: “As our most toe-curling website copy will tell you, the most important part of our story is ‘you guys’, the customers. So f**king buy something.”

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Your boyfriend's spontaneous romantic gesture: Is it a sign he's cheating on you?

HAS your boyfriend surprised you with an unexpected token of his affection and you’re wondering why? Take our quiz to find out.

What was the gesture?

A) He’s taking me on a city break to New York, which is amazing! The furthest he’s ever taken me before is on a romantic weekend to Madrid, which oddly coincided with the Champions League Final.

B) A bunch of flowers. They were from Asda and cost £3.99. I know because, while he did manage to peel the price sticker off, he left the receipt in the kitchen.

Does he do this kind of thing often?

A ) Pretty often. Roses, romantic dinners, chocolates. The kind of thing that could seem impersonal and generic if you think about it too much. Which I don’t.

B) No. He usually makes a bit of an effort on my birthday, but he only remembers because my mum reminds him a week in advance.

Was there a reason for it?

A) No, it was totally out of the blue. He says he just loves seeing my face light up with joy when he spoils me, because I deserve to be treated like a princess. I’m so lucky to have him.

B) He says not, but I know it’s because I accused him of being a ‘thoughtless, selfish man-baby’ during an argument last week. At least he’s trying, I suppose.

Did he expect sex in return?

A) No. In fact, when I went to hug him for his generosity he held me off and said he needed to shower first because he was sweaty after work. He’s so thoughtful like that.

B) No, despite his failings we don’t have that kind of transactional relationship. But we shagged anyway as there was nothing on telly.

Do you have any reason to suspect him of being unfaithful?

A) Aside from his history of cheating, duplicitous nature and the way he never lets me touch his phone? No, nothing at all.

B) He struggles to hold a conversation and watch telly at the same time, so I don’t think he’s got the brain power to manage two different relationships.


Mostly As: Your boyfriend’s extravagant romantic gestures make him seem like the dream partner. However, no human is that nice if they’re not trying to cover something up or assuage their guilt. He’s cheating on you.

Mostly Bs: He’s not cheating on you, he’s just a useless lump. But at least he’s 100 percent your useless lump. Lucky you.