BUSINESSES have announced plans to keep communicating their ‘brand stories’ until the public cracks and buys a product.
While capitalism was previously a transactional relationship between a company and its customers, it now revolves around breaking people’s spirits with absolute bullshit until they part with their money.
Business owner Jordan Gardner said: “Our brand story is about inclusivity and community, which is why we incessantly send you inanely cute and cheerful newsletters which make you want to punch someone.
“And we also value being authentic, grounded and human. Apart from the chatbot, the automated emails and our frightening lust for your cash.”
Customer Lucy Parry said: “Last week I committed to a year-long subscription to an artisan coffee selection box, just to get them to stop sending me videos about their sustainable bean farming practices.
“I don’t even like coffee, but I felt so worn down by the compelling narrative about the happy fairtrade growing communities they’d created that it seemed like my only way out.”
Gardner added: “As our most toe-curling website copy will tell you, the most important part of our story is ‘you guys’, the customers. So f**king buy something.”