Windows was just a ‘nasty trick’ all along, says Gates

THE entire Windows operating system has been a vindictive practical joke since its inception, Bill Gates has admitted. 

Following criticism that upgrades to Windows 10 used a ‘nasty trick’, Microsoft boss Gates confessed that at this stage he wanted to be caught. 

He continued: “To be honest, it hasn’t really been that funny to me since Windows 98. 

“Back in the Windows 95 days, when people were lining up at midnight to drop $200 on a PC operating system, I was pissing myself pretty much constantly. 

“But after a while the endless gullibility of the public failing to spot all my clever in-jokes about how aggressively unusable the software was just depressed me. 

“I mean when people still bought it after Windows Vista, which was one long drawn-out fart gag, I had to accept I wasn’t a clever satirist but the victim of my own bad joke.

“It doesn’t fucking work! How can you not get that?”

Fellow tech entrepreneur Mark Zuckerberg said: “I thought I was holding a distorted mirror up to the world to confront them with their own ugliness. Turns out they love it.” 

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Ask Holly: I've found a new source of propaganda on the Dave channel

Dear Holly,

So, apparently it’s not cool to compare the EU to Hitler. But that doesn’t matter anymore, because I’ve found a new source of propaganda, on the Dave channel. It is a historical documentary about wartime France that captures the very essence of Europe. The peasant-minded French are led by Rene, a lecherous, bumbling cafe owner, sneaking around behind the backs of the fat, idiotic German soldiers, and a really sexy one called Helga. And in the middle of it, trying to escape, are the poor, upstanding British, who are roundly mocked by all sides for their silly accents. That’s about it. Should I incorporate this into the Brexit campaign?



Dear Boris,

Back in 1992, when a really dull man called John Major was PM, he was kidnapped, taken to the Netherlands and locked in a room with loads of weird Dutch and random people from Luxembourg who said that he had to sign a treaty saying everything in the entire world would be European, including the money, hairstyles and pop music. And John Major was weak, so he nearly let them bully him, but at the last minute he said no, and that they couldn’t have all that stuff, and then they said okay, but instead you must have Brussels sprouts and Eurovision. And so history was made. A generation later and we never win Eurovision and sprouts are totally rank, so as far as I can see we are better off out.

Hope that helps,