Woman finally switches from Topshop to M&S

A 36-YEAR-OLD woman says she feels ‘relieved and happy’ after admitting that she would rather shop in Marks & Spencer than Topshop.

Donna Sheridan has been a slave to the high street store for the last two decades, but has finally thrown off the chains of youth fashion to embrace impending middle age.

She said: “It’s been a long, tough fight. Just last month I bought a vinyl crop t-shirt from Topshop, only to get it home and realise once again I’m not fourteen.

“I’ve been in denial, tempted by the shapeless comfort of M&S but still somehow convinced I was a fashionable young woman who could rock a lace playsuit.

“But the sweet relief of my first M&S shop proved how wrong I’d been. I slipped into those wonderful slacks and slippers and comfy jumpers like I was slipping into a warm bath of invisibility to young dickheads.

“I will be shopping exclusively there from now on, and I have told my family not to be alarmed when I turn up looking like a long-lost maiden aunt.

“Apart from the fleeces. If they see me in a fleece, it’s time to euthanise me.”

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Mums' group unites in hatred of parent who is not a total mess

A NEW mother has committed the unforgivable crime of admitting to others she is not a sobbing wreck.

Emma Bradford’s neighbourhood baby group, who meet weekly to discuss the utter hell of motherhood, are considering expulsion if she refuses to break down soon.

Leader Susan Traherne said: “The first rule of baby group is never tell another parent you’re feeling anything but abjectly, deliriously wretched. That goes until your kid is 35.

“Emma waltzing in here claiming to have had a wonderful bonding afternoon with a three-month-old is unpleasant, offensive and harshing everyone’s misery buzz.

“Bullshit he’s sleeping through. Double bullshit on him recognising colours. What’s next, pictures of her and little Arlo climbing Kilimanjaro?

“Fingers crossed he’s screaming uncontrollably while shitting like a beast at the next meet-up. It’d be music to our ears.”

Bradford said: “Maybe I’ll bring a cake for the next get-together. Some of those mums look like they could do with it, and Arlo loves baking! He’s brillant.”