Sunday, 16th May 2021

Woman pretending she's not in department store just to do a shit

A WOMAN is pretending to be browsing the floors of a department store while actually plotting a course for their toilets, she has confessed.

Joanna Kramer desperately needed to use the facilities but has sauntered there in a manner that has staff convinced she is genuinely interested in that Karen Millen knit dress.

She said: “Yes, lovely boots, lovely bags, quick glance upwards to check I’m still on the right track, Christ I'm desperate, what a delightful display of watches.

“If you’re in Burger King straining for a dump they’ll notice, plus they sometimes have codes. But in here if you finger too many Canada Goose coats security start watching you. Chill out mate, I’m not stealing anything. I just need a go on one of your porcelain thrones.”

Kramer added: “Try not to look at the price tags, though. There’s nothing like holding up a perfectly ordinary jumper and discovering it costs nine hundred quid to make you clench inside.

“Still it was worth it. And they gave me a free perfume sample on the way out. Almost as if they knew.”