Woman pretending she's not in department store just to do a shit

A WOMAN is pretending to be browsing the floors of a department store while actually plotting a course for their toilets, she has confessed.

Joanna Kramer desperately needed to use the facilities but has sauntered there in a manner that has staff convinced she is genuinely interested in that Karen Millen knit dress.

She said: “Yes, lovely boots, lovely bags, quick glance upwards to check I’m still on the right track, Christ I’m desperate, what a delightful display of watches.

“If you’re in Burger King straining for a dump they’ll notice, plus they sometimes have codes. But in here if you finger too many Canada Goose coats security start watching you. Chill out mate, I’m not stealing anything. I just need a go on one of your porcelain thrones.”

Kramer added: “Try not to look at the price tags, though. There’s nothing like holding up a perfectly ordinary jumper and discovering it costs nine hundred quid to make you clench inside.

“Still it was worth it. And they gave me a free perfume sample on the way out. Almost as if they knew.”

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Middle class couple go whole holiday without befriending other middle class couple

A MIDDLE class couple weirdly spent a fortnight in Spain without latching onto another identical couple.

Stephen and Helen Malley did not spend all their holiday with a similarly-aged British man and wife talking about potential mutual acquaintances in the UK and how the milk tastes different.

Accountant Stephen Malley said: “For us, the best part of going abroad is meeting people who could practically be clones of ourselves.

“This time we decided to do things differently and declined three separate invitations to have a gin and tonic. Sorry, Iain and Karen, we’d have loved to hear about your new double garage.

“Not meeting an identical couple was a mistake, to be honest. We spent hours with just each other visiting local places of interest when we could have been sitting in the hotel discussing our jobs.

Marketing manager Helen said: “We felt completely depressed when we got home as we usually send our new friends lots of hilarious emails about the waiters.

“Next year we’re going to find a British couple and stick to them like glue. If we’re lucky they might even be from the same town as us.”