Your guide to giving a bullshit business presentation

CALLED upon to give a presentation at work? Here’s how to hit the right note of business bullshit to drive the company drones wild. 

Kick off with an abysmal joke

A forced reference to something in the news is good, or a lame quip about office life like ‘I’ll keep this short because I know you’re all desperate for the pub!’ when you work on an out-of-town business park, the nearest pub is 20 minutes drive away and everyone hates each other.

Give the audience eye-strain

Each PowerPoint slide should be so information-rich it’s impossible to take in if you’re not Data from Star Trek. If you suffer migraines just putting your presentation together, you’re on the right track.

Include a nonsensical business theory 

Be sure to mention ‘virtuous cycles’ or ‘SWOT analysis’. Or just make up your own vapid business concept, eg. ‘P.E.A.S theory’ – ‘Profit Equals Advanced Successfulness’. No one will notice.

Make simple things stupidly complicated

Use hideously complicated diagrams, so that a 20-box flow chart in a forest of arrows and jargon words like ‘process’ and ‘feedback’ actually just represents Iain talking to Shelley about whether to order more Post-it notes.

Read out every number

Presenting financial information? Read out all the figures. Human beings love to hear a long series of unmemorable numbers and will gladly miss lunch for it.

Use a convoluted metaphor 

Make your point with a metaphor about marketing’s ROI being like ‘trekking through the jungle’. Forget what the rope bridge represents. Get hopelessly confused about who the crocodiles and lions are. Make everyone deeply uncomfortable with your clip art of cannibals.

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Debenhams closure may leave airports only place men can try on aftershave

THE threatened closure of Debenhams would leave men only able to find out which aftershave they prefer at airports. 

The department store, which went into administration yesterday, has long been men’s favourite high street shop to wander through on the way to the shopping centre from the car park and try a squirt of Paco Rabanne’s Invictus.

Bill McKay of Reading said: “It’s such a tragic loss to the high street, that I won’t be walking down it smelling nice anymore.

“Thing is, choose aftershave just on the basis of Johnny Depp scowling at a spiky black tree and often it’s not great. But now to do otherwise I’ll need at least a domestic flight.

“Boots has them, I suppose, but whenever I go in there the wife’s furious I didn’t take her Advantage card and John Lewis is too overwhelming to the senses to add scent as well.

“Debenhams could carry on under Sports Direct, but then all it’ll have is knock-off fragrances called things like Army Man, Darknet and Obama.”

He added: “I’ll just have to stink a bit.”