Friday, 14th May 2021

'You're fat now, buy accordingly' say clothes shops

CLOTHING shops have reminded all their customers that they are now fat bastards so should buy their clothes accordingly.

Branches of Burton, New Look and Jigsaw around the UK have added signage including ‘Size 10? Piss off’ and ‘Add another couple of Xs to that L, you porky f**ker’.

Helen Archer, manager of Karen Millen in Manchester, said: “There’s no point beating about the bush. Our customers are corpulent, disgusting pigs.

“We’re wasting valuable retail time letting them come in and slowly reach the horrible conclusion that they’ve put on four stone, not to mention all the burst buttons and twisted zips.

“So instead we’re telling people upfront. An assistant asks what size they take, then laughs and redirects them to the racks selling tent-like clothing to cover their shameful obesity.

“There’s lots of weeping but turnover’s brisk because they haven’t got any choice. None of their old clothes fit them anymore. They’re even bursting out of their shoes.”

Tom Booker said: “It was something of a wrench to discover I take a 40-inch waist. But the assistant flirted because apparently I’m one of the slim ones.”