And it's all thanks to Prince George, Ed Sheeran and David f**king Beckham

ENGLAND triumphed over Germany because of the incredible combination of Ed Sheeran, David Beckham and seven-year-old Prince George, according to the media. 

The heir to the throne was there at Wembley and inspired a historic victory against the Germans, helped by a retinue of A-list celebrities.

Fan Tom Booker said: “It was dazzling. All that star power pledged to England’s cause? The game was ours.

“It was so thrilling, being there watching the action for myself. I didn’t miss a single expression on his adorable little face. The way it lit up when we scored had me pumping the air.

“And let’s not forget the real hero in all this – Kate. Resplendent in England’s colours, a thrifty £59.99 red Zara blazer and white top, she cheered those goals over the line as if she was scoring them herself.

“Some credit should go to Harry Kane, of course, the hero of the hour, and special thanks to Sterling for his role in Kane’s pivotal goal. And for his individual contributions.”

He added: “For the next match? If we can get Elton John, Daniel Craig, Adele, and Princess Charlotte we can’t f**king lose.”

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Chris Whitty discovers new, more dickheaded strain of Covidiot

PROFESSOR Chris Whitty has discovered an even more dickheaded Covidiot variant while walking through a London park, he has confirmed.

The chief medical officer chanced upon what he has termed the Bellend Variant while innocently strolling through St James’s Park on Sunday, and even managed to capture the cases on video.

Whitty said: “Stupidity naturally mutates over time and exposure to fact-resistant wankers. Covidiots are no exception, and anti-vax protests and GB news are the perfect environment for more virulent versions of Covidiot to thrive. Just look at Piers Corbyn.

“Symptoms of this new strain appear to include breaching the most basic of social distancing measures, trying to wrestle you into a headlock, and grinning like an utter f**king moron while filming yourself.

“There’s currently no known vaccine for this level of idiocy. Information fails to penetrate the frontal lobes so my slides do nothing to them. It’s a deadly combination of dumb and dangerous.”

He added: “Unless we suppress this early, we risk it becoming the dominant form of Covidiot. So if you see them f**k the twats up for me, while wearing the appropriate PPE.”