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Andrew punished by becoming a regular shitmuncher like you

PRINCE Andrew has been punished for his crimes and lies by being reduced to the state of being just a regular nobody just like you. 

Andrew lied about his relationship with convicted paedophile Jeffrey Epstein, is credibly accused of sex with a trafficked minor and mixed with Chinese spies, for which he has been summarily demoted down the social hierarchy all the way to your lowly level.

A Palace insider said: “We’re talking no title, no dukedom, no jail time. It may sound harsh, but he’s now no better than you are.

“Wave goodbye to the Royal Enclosure at Ascot. Christmas at Balmoral is of the past. Any visits to Buckingham Palace will have to be via what we call the prole queue.

“There’ll be no more special treatment. If he confuses the self-checkout at Sainsbury’s Local he’ll have to awkwardly stand there and wait for assistance like a filthy peon.

“He may be in the Royal Lodge, but it’s no better than a flat on a council estate. He’ll have to watch all the soaps and read Richard Osman books. When he goes to the cinema he’ll be appalled by the price but still buy a ticket anyway. I almost pity him.”

Regular person Martin Bishop said: “Poor bastard. I’d hate to be me and I am me. It’s a fate I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.”

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The big Tesco: Seven Wonders of your Crap Hometown

EVERY unimpressive mid-sized town has features its defensive residents believe make it stand out, and they’re always the same seven things:

The big Tesco

Your parents still recall the buzz after the announcement a Tesco Extra was on its way. They were there on day one, with all their neighbours, excitedly browsing the aisle of electrical goods. The thrill still hasn’t worn off. Nothing has ever been the same since they were able to buy a five-pack of underwear at 2am.

The bus station

If you want to get a bus anywhere within ten miles, you simply have to visit the new bus station, still called that because it was completed in 1995. And while you’re there, stop in on the neighbouring pay-and-display car park ingeniously made out of waste ground. This is why you pay your council tax.

The retail park

Whether a teenager going on a sophisticated Nando’s-and-Cineworld date, a parent looking at mattresses in Dreams, or a pensioner bedazzled by Dunelm, the retail park is your hometown’s Mecca. Although Mecca Bingo moved a mile out of town.

The building that used to be something else

A monument lost to time. For generations, people have been driving past where the tire factory used to be and saying ‘that used to be the tire factory’. Rumours electrifying neighbourhood Facebook groups suggest it might someday become flats.

The drive-thru McDonald’s

Looking for an authentic late night bite? Try out the drive-thru McDonald’s on the ring road. You can’t miss it, because it’s right opposite the drive-thru KFC. What happens between these locales will be the talk of the sixth-form on Monday.

The fancy park

All the other parks are basically fields with a path going through, but this one was donated by the local philanthropist who worked everyone to death in his tyre factory and it has a bandstand and a duck pond. Making it posh and worth a visit even if there was a recent stabbing.

The small hospital

Everyone you know was born there, and it’s where you took your mate when he got a concussion from running into the glass door of the kebab shop. The most impressive feature? It’s been in special measures for twenty years.

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