ARE you worried about contracting hantavirus? You should be, because it’s tiny and could be hiding anywhere. Stay safe by taking the following sensible precautions.
Have another lockdown
Now is the perfect time to relive the blissful WFH days of Covid-19. Sure, your boss may complain it has to be an ‘official’ lockdown, but who’ll be laughing when they’re coughing up blood and you’re eating toasties and wanking between Zoom meetings?
Stop having sex with rats
With their plush fur and inquisitive little faces, everyone would agree that rats are sexually irresistible. Sadly rat intercourse must be put on hold, which won’t be easy for you or your furry friends with benefits. Still, when the virus is under control you can make up for lost time with some romantic weekends.
Dust off those Covid handwashing skills
Wash your hands thoroughly, and remember you have to sing Happy Birthday twice, because it’s the tune that kills the germs. Men may prefer to opt for the Altered Images version with Clare Grogan, obviously.
Become a hantavirus anti-vaxxer
Scientists are already working on a vaccine for hantavirus, so when it’s available you should refuse to take it and insist other people do the same. It’s much more fun LARPing being part of an exciting conspiracy by evil socialist governments, and who hasn’t wanted to meet Laurence Fox on a march? Actually he’s been a bit quiet recently. How deeply concerning.
Don’t go on any cruises
The hantavirus clearly targets cruise ships, so cancel all those Saga holidays you’ve got booked. It’s a shame to miss out on cruises full of old people who exclusively talk about going on cruises, but do you really want to make friends on holiday who’ll be dead in three days, and not necessarily from hantavirus?
Release a mediocre album or film
Horribly untalented at music or filmmaking? Socially isolate and cobble together a low-effort album or dire found-footage horror movie and earn a few quid. You’ll be safe from hantavirus, but more importantly you’ll get a free pass for making it under such challenging conditions, even if you were shit all along. Isn’t that right, Ed Sheeran?
Stop eating mice
Mice are also spreaders of hantavirus, and while they don’t feature heavily in the average British diet they’ve been eaten by humans throughout history and are still popular in places like Malawi and Vietnam. Although you’d think by now they’d have realised that virtually every other species has a better meat-to-fur-and-limbs ratio.
