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Banning brown bins: How Reform councils will use their limited powers to be racist

REFORM have taken a handful of councils across Britain and will now attempt to end immigration using only local planning laws. This is how they’ll try:

Make housing white-only

The bedrock of Reform’s faith, equivalent to the resurrection of Christ in their theology, is that non-white households jump the housing queue. They will demand an immediate stop to this and, it never having been the case, will get one. Emboldened, they’ll demand all housing is white-only and learn this is ‘against the law’. So laws are wrong, they muse.

Ban the brown bin

Councils use brown bins for garden waste. For reasons they don’t need to specify, Reform are against this. But the Greens are their enemy, so we can’t have green bins either. White bins? What an insult to the proud Aryan soul to be the same colour as a bin. Purple bins? Too expensive. Official policy becomes ‘fly-tip your garden waste, it’s all the environment’.

Commissioning racist roundabouts

The key duty of a local council is to place unattractive artworks on roundabouts on ring roads. Under Reform, these artworks will depict key moments in white civilisation: the Vikings burning the monasteries, the release of the first On The Buses film in 1971, and the result of the 2016 Brexit referendum.

Race-based filter cycle lanes

Against cycle lanes on the principle that car ownership should be mandatory, cunning Reform councils will announce segregation gates funnelling any cyclist who cannot prove residence going back six generations directly into heavy traffic. But cyclists, as ever, will disregard any rules they find inconvenient and the death toll will be disappointing.

A flag on every lamppost

Under Reform, flags on lampposts won’t just indicate this is an area where a team of shaven-headed men have access to a van and a ladder and are using them to lower house prices. They’ll be mandatory. Which changes them from an act of resistance to yet more pointless bullshit the council’s wasting money on instead of fixing potholes.

Fixing potholes from the inside

Unable to find the budget to fix potholes despite firing the council’s sole diversity officer, your Reform council will reason that if, as Hitler believed, the earth is hollow, then all they need is a team to travel to its interior and push the potholes back out from the other side. A 16-strong team will be dispatched to the Antarctic to do so. They will die there, but whitely.

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Replacing Grandad with Uncle Albert: Six TV show changes you've still not forgiven

ARE you still bitter about the writers of a TV show you loved messing around with a perfect formula and ruining it? You may have been watching these.

Friends: Rachel and Joey getting together

Okay, they’re both attractive, and pleasingly unintelligent. And in a show where there are six heterosexual characters it’s inevitable they’re all going to do each other at some point. But this just felt wrong. Like, only one step above Ross and Monica getting it on, and you sure as hell wouldn’t want to see an incestuous version of the Princess Leia scene.

Scooby-Doo: Scrappy-Doo

It’s the late 1970s. You have a hit show. People like it but viewing figures are flagging. What to do? How about introducing an irritating, loud, arrogant puppy that clashes horribly with the laid-back, cowardly vibe of Scooby and Shaggy? And so was born a humorous animated character inspiring levels of hate not seen again until the dark times of Jar Jar Binks.

Dallas: It was all a dream

A twist so infamous it continues to haunt one of the behemoth shows of the 80s. In one sweep of a writer’s quill, an entire season’s events – three deaths, divorce, a car bomb and suicide attempt – were revealed to be nothing but the activity of a brain on standby. It’s the worst cliché a writer can use, although in fairness there was no way to bring back Bobby Ewing without something equally bad like Pam finding his secret cloning laboratory.

Red Dwarf: The return of Kochanski

Ah, Lister, condemned to a life floating through deep space pining for an ex-girlfriend he has no way of being with due to her, and the rest of the crew, being dead. And because three million years have passed. But wait! What’s this? Why, it’s series VII, where permanent sparring partner Rimmer leaves halfway through, only to be replaced by… Kochanski, through some interdimensional bullshittery. Gone is the hopeless longing, so important to Lister’s character arc, and it’s not even Clare Grogan playing her, in a crushing blow to all men.

Frasier: Niles and Daphne getting together 

Nearly seven whole seasons of Niles being haplessly obsessed with Daphne created a rich tapestry of story arcs, character conflicts and, handily in a sitcom, witty jokes and genuinely funny situations. And then? Oh f**k, they get together and a whole portion of the show’s very soul is scooped out and replaced with couple stuff. 

Only Fools and Horses: Grandad replaced by Uncle Albert

A portent of what was to happen to OFAH. Earlier episodes were rough and ready, genuinely moving at times, and Del and Rodney were young enough for it not to be concerning that a middle-aged man was following his pension-age brother around constantly. But then came Christmas special after godawful Christmas special, and crap visual gags such as a stretch Reliant Robin. Despite this, holding any opinion other than ‘it’s the best comedy show ever’ will earn you a smack in the mouth in any flat-roofed British pub.

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