A WOMAN who recently lost weight is now the subject of a race by her female friends to put it back on her as quickly as possible.
After 30-year-old Hannah Tomlinson lost two stones, her friends gathered to discuss the best ways to fatten her up and restore the natural order.
Friend Nikki Hollis said: “We can’t have Hannah skinny, it destroys the feng shui of the group. The order of attractiveness is all wrong now so I said we should say ‘don’t get too skinny’ and hint she’s anorexic, but Sophie thinks she’ll see through that.
“Ellie suggested that we keep saying men prefer curves, but then we all burst out laughing because that’s bollocks and Hannah’s miserable dating record proves it.
“So we’ve developed a re-chunkification rota. I’m on spontaneous pastries sent to her home, Ellie’s sending her Instagram food reels and Jess is in charge of pretending she’s ordered too much and asking Hannah to help her eat it. It’s a group operation.
“It won’t be easy. Hannah’s saying she has more energy and men keep approaching her, which is deeply unsettling for all of us. She can’t become one of the hot ones without a full committee review beforehand.
“The selfish bitch never even consulted us, so we’ll have to say how much more tired and wrinkly she is and reminisce about how fun she was when she ate like a pig.
“And if our psy-op doesn’t work? Abandon subtlety. We’ll tie her up and force-feed her sausage rolls. If she’s happier, great. But she has to be happier in a way that doesn’t make the rest of us look like ‘before’ photos.”
