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Let's hope Green councils don't f**k up as fast as I have. By Zack Polanski

WE’RE set for big gains today, so let’s look forward to a fairer, greener Britain. That’s assuming Green councillors don’t bollocks things up as impressively quickly as me.

Yeah, the latest thing is me pretending to be a Red Cross spokesman years ago when I wasn’t. Obviously the press are out to get me, but it’s still pretty weird. Why would you do that? It’s not exactly Catch Me If You Can, but if anything the lack of ambition makes it worse.

So my message to new councillors winning seats today is this: for f**k’s sake don’t copy me in any way. And a good starting point for that is not claiming hypnotherapy can give you bigger tits. 

That was a stitch-up by The Sun but it’s still a totally stupid thing to go along with, so avoid anything like that. Don’t claim voting Green gives you a bigger penis. Or that you’ll collect the wheelie bins with mind powers. Or you’ve got the ability to rearrange matter like Doctor Manhattan out of Watchmen. Because that would be embarrassing bollocks, yes?

I’d also ask councillors not to change parties like I did. I used to be a Lib Dem, but I’m quite ambitious so I didn’t want my political career to be permanently stuck in the toilet like Ed Davey. So please don’t all join other parties, as that kind of buggers up today’s incredible gains.

We’ve been over antisemitism (bad, remember?) and it I’d also appreciate it if councillors don’t speak their brains over violent incidents involving the police because I looked like a dick when I did that. Don’t say ‘They should have knocked him out with a tranquiliser dart!’ or whatever naive liberal thought pops into your head. Say something about potholes instead.

Finally, I’d ask our new councils to avoid batshit Green fringe policies, which I know some of you are into. If you want to announce you’re going to charge local kebab shops with murder, at least give it a year or two before you make twats of yourselves. I wouldn’t.

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Your ill-informed opinions, and other things you need to vote

HEADING out to vote in elections today but don’t know if you have everything you need? Consult this handy election guide.

A pulse

To vote in elections in Britain the only real qualification you need is not being dead. To make sure you are fully competent to participate in democracy, gently apply pressure to your wrist with your index and middle finger. If you can feel a faint pulse with at least 18 years of experience of wearily pumping blood through your body, congratulations, you can cast your essentially irrelevant vote.

Your ill-informed opinions

It’s important you don’t leave your unfounded hunches at home with your photo ID. The last thing you want is to be standing in the polling booth with a strong grasp of local issues and parties’ policies. This will cause you to dither, so with lots of people waiting it’s best if you let your half-baked suspicions about immigrants or Zack Polanski tell you what to do. Making an ill-informed knee-jerk decision is fine, it’s only vital services in vast swathes of the country at stake. No biggie.

Clothes

On a practical note, make sure you own at least one set of clothes and put them on before stepping outside to vote. Sadly it’s one of the many gatekeeping hurdles the nanny state has imposed. If the cost of living crisis means you can’t afford clothes, fashion rudimentary garments from leaves and bits of cardboard. Perhaps do this anyway – the volunteers at the polling station will probably rush you through quickly, avoiding any boring queuing.

Deep loathing of one party in particular

Under no circumstances read each candidate’s manifesto and carefully form your own opinion on who is best suited for power, or at least organising wheelie bin collections. Votes are traditionally cast in opposition to the party that you despise, with Reform UK and the Greens being the popular choices in this election. Who cares if you don’t particularly agree with what they stand for; do the right thing and allow yourself to be guided by blind hate.

Dog treats

Exercising your hard-won right to vote is a sideshow to the main event of election day: taking photos of cute dogs outside polling stations. It’s unfair to expect the canine guardians of democracy to pose for free though, so be sure to sling a couple of bone-shaped biscuits their way. Once that vital duty is completed, you can cursorily vote for some bellend who’ll probably get booted off the council in a month for watching porn in meetings.

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