SCOWLING landladies of unwelcoming bed-and-breakfasts at windswept British seaside resorts are looking forward to resenting you this summer. 

The cancellation of thousands of flights means Britons will be condemned to staycations in establishments where the first rule is you are unwelcome and all the other rules require you to leave.

Mary Fisher, aged 62, who runs a boarding house in Cleethorpes as a way of exacting vengeance on the world, said: “All residents have to be out between 11am and 5pm so we can clean. We won’t.

“Fresh towels? You’re not in Malaga now. And that mattress is as good as when we bought it in 1978. If you’ve damaged the springs you’ll be charged.

“You’re not the primary focus of my loathing, don’t think you’re special. That’s my husband who’s also the chef and will be taking out a lifetime of rancour out on you via your cooked full English. Choke it all down or we’ll comment.

“No wet things in the house. I don’t care if you’ve just spent six hours huddled in a shelter on the prom during an electrical storm, that’s not my problem. The library was open.”

Work and pensions secretary Pat McFadden said: “We stand on the cusp of a golden age of productivity. With holidays like this, people will be overjoyed to get back to work.”