Being gifted £5 million the only thing Farage has done that isn't newsworthy

PRIVATELY receiving £5 million from a crypto billionaire is the one thing Nigel Farage has done the media has deemed to be a non-story. 

The £5m personal gift, which Farage has not declared because he received it while not an MP and is spending on ‘security’, is the first and only event in the Reform leader’s life which does not merit extensive press coverage.

Media insider Norman Steele said: “This isn’t like when he was debanked, which invented the word and demanded a fortnight of headlines. This is just a £5 million gift from a pal.

“The papers dearly wish they could get a story out of it but there’s no public interest, not like their absolute rapt fascination with the Mandelson vetting scandal. It’s a mere cash injection referred to the parliamentary standards commissioner. Yawn.

“How would you spin an article out of that, without some wild claim that his influence has been in some way bought? Which nobody would believe. After all, it’s only £5 million.

“You can tell it’s no big deal because Farage hasn’t popped up to talk about it. He loves to hog the airwaves, so if even Nigel is ducking the limelight it’s as boring a Westminster bubble story as his juvenile racism.

“This isn’t Keir Starmer being bought a pair of glasses or Angela Rayner inadvertently dodging capital gains tax or anything juicy like that. A friend helping a friend? That’s not news unless you’re bitter and cynical which the British press has never been.”

Farage said: “Everyone gets multi-million pound donations all the time, you might as well report on me breathing in and out. Anyway, cameras at the ready, I’m about to drink a pint.”

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Kate going to Italy to take lover

THE Princess of Wales has announced she is embarking on a solo trip to Italy where she intends to take a lover. 

Kate will visit Reggio Emilia next week ostensibly to support her campaign for early childhood education or whatever while actually seeking out a man who can guide her body to the erotic awakening it has so long yearned for.

A Kensington Palace spokesman said: “The Princess has suffered a health scare. Her children are growing up. Her days are suffused with an apathetic melancholy.

“In this era of Eat, Pray, Love and having done the first two, why should she not seek out Europe’s greatest lovers to show her the tender euphoria of the flesh? All while wearing an open shirt and Gucci sunglasses?

“That was never William’s appeal and though her other ardent swain, the British press, will never admit it those looks won’t last forever. If she is to be tossed on a turbulent sea of lovemaking and lose herself to ecstasy it has to be now.

“The gentleman in question should be called Gianni, ideally be a chef, in his 30s and so hurt by love he has closed himself off to it before she devours his aglio e olio with a gusto that fires him with an unquenchable lust. Also she’d like to do it on a boat.”

The spokesman added: “If that doesn’t deliver everything she dreams of, she’s open to carnal exploration with a woman. She already has the strap-ons.”