'Any time, any place' Duchess tells novelist

IF Booker prize winner Hilary Mantel wants a piece of the Duchess of Cambridge, she can have it, St James’s Palace has confirmed.

Following the Wolf Hall author’s stinging attack on the Duchess, Her Royal Highness issued a statement inviting Mantel to a pub car park in Aylesford at nine o’clock tonight.

And if that does not suit, then Mantel simply has to phone St James’s Palace with her preferred time and place.

The Duchess added: “She’s a fucking manky old bag. Aylesford, tonight, and I’m bringing my Uncle Gary.

“Mantel must think I’m some kind of fucking la-di-dah airhead. I wasn’t poncing round Marlborough School pretending to be in some fucking Jane Austen novel. I was kicking teeth in.

“Also, at St Andrews, there was this blonde bird – Swedish I think she was – who tried to muscle in on his nibs. I was like ‘fuck that’.

“I toed her arse all the way back to Gothenburg.

“And by the way, I am four months up the duff and I am a fucking nutter.”

Last night Mantel said: “There has obviously been some misunderstanding. I was talking about your sister. No I wasn’t, I was talking about some other bitch. Probably Denise van Outen, I forget.

“Anyway, there’s no need for things to get out of hand. I really like your hair.”

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Putin challenges solar system to a fight

VLADIMIR Putin has warned that the next rock to enter Russian airspace will get its teeth knocked down its throat.

The Russian president and champion dinosaur wrestler has spent the weekend screaming obscenities at the sky and asking the moon ‘who the fuck it thinks it’s looking at’.

Fragments of last week’s meteor shower are being taken to the Kremlin so Putin can do press ups in front of them and call their mum a slag.

The president has also ordered a roof to be built over the entire country and will oversee the work astride his horse Excelsior while holding his pet falcon, Dominion.