Are you on Jeffrey Epstein's client list? Take our quiz

A MASSIVE scandal is breaking as the list of Jeffrey Epstein’s associates is gradually released. So should you be concerned? Take our quiz and find out.

How do you normally meet women?

A) Mostly through friends. I’m on Tinder but it’s a bit of a waste of time, frankly.

B) I go through the photographs and pick out which 17-year-old I’m going to have sex with while hoping she doesn’t cry or start droning on about becoming a model.

What turns you on sexually?

A) I have to admit I like it when my girlfriend wears stockings. That and blowjobs, obviously.

B) Mainly my partner being a lot younger. If they’re too young to remember Grange Hill, that’s good with me. If they look as if they should be on Grange Hill, even better.

What do you do for a living?

A) I work in logistics for a major high street retailer. I don’t think anyone would call it thrilling, but the people in the office are nice and I’ve become a dab hand at spreadsheets.

B) Make videos dressed as a singing werewolf.

Have you ever been on holiday to an island?

A) Yes, I went to Jersey with my mum and dad. We had fish and chips most days and I saw a giant tortoise in the zoo.

B) Yes, about 20 or 30 times. Somewhere in the Virgin Islands, which is appropriate because virgins are very much my thing.

Are you a member of the Royal Family?

A) No. Supposedly one of my ancestors was a 17th century lord who lost everything playing cards, but every family has a bullshit story like that. 

B) Well, everyone calls me ‘Prince Such-and-such’ and I get a free mansion and loads of money from the civil list. Also the King is my dad, so I suppose you could say I dabble in the royal scene.

When you heard about Epstein’s list being released, how did you react? 

A) I immediately went on Twitter to find out who had been named.

B) I immediately went on Google to search for ‘countries without an extradition treaty with the US’.

What’s your idea of the perfect day?

A) A lie-in with my partner on Saturday morning, a nice pub lunch then a bottle of wine and a good film in the evening.

B) Getting off the plane, making small talk with Peter Mandelson and Bill Gates, eating a lobster, necking a load of Viagra and banging teenagers until 2am.

Are you a former President of the United States known for his wandering eye and a sex act involving a cigar?

A) No, I think I’d remember that.

B) Maybe. Who’s asking?

Mostly As. You’re not incredibly rich and haven’t been to Epstein’s island, so you’ve got nothing to worry about, unless you’ve forgotten having sex with loads of underage teenage girls, which, as we’re probably about to find out from Epstein’s chums, is surprisingly easy to do.

Mostly Bs. Oh dear. It looks like you’re on Epstein’s list. If you’re able to make things disappear, like a certain popular showbiz magician, now’s a good time to try it on yourself.

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Kayleigh, Rhiannon, Jolene: Which iconic song was on when your parents were f**king?

WERE you cursed with a name that was the backing track to your conception? Even if you weren’t, pity these people named after hits no one will ever forget.


Written and performed by poppy prog-rock band Marillion, this song relates to lyricist Fish’s inability to form lasting relationships. Due to your parents shagging through this tale of woe you’re now lumbered with having to convince every date that you don’t share his fear of commitment. And that you’re not into Marillion.


If you’re called Eileen, you were most likely conceived in the loo or round the back of a social club during a wedding reception. You’ve no doubt had Come on Eileen sung at you all your life, and due to Dexy’s Midnight Runners’ stage clothing, had to deny multiple times that you own dungarees, live in a squat or work as a ‘tinker’.

Billie Jean

Unless your parents were fans of 70s pioneering LGBT+ tennis player Billie Jean King, then you were named after a Michael Jackson song in which he consistently denies having a relationship with a woman and fathering her child. Hmm. Considering the track record of Wacko Jacko and kids, it might be less embarrassing to say your parents were shagging during Wimbledon and you narrowly avoided being called Navratilova.


Surely your parents were in no doubt that the song was about a man attempting to save a woman from life on the streets? If it wasn’t bad enough being named after a prostitute, all your life people will hilariously have reminded you that ‘you don’t have to put on the red light’. Plus there’s the embarrassment of knowing your parents were hugely into Sting.


Although Rhiannon is a major figure in Welsh mythology, your parents gave you this name because they were big fans of Fleetwood Mac. So you’re the progeny of MOR classic rock fans, or drug-taking hippies. At least they weren’t so off their heads they named you Albatross, although it would be appropriate now you’re hassling them for the deposit for a house in your 30s.


You wonder if you were named after a great grandparent, or possibly even the Prince song Diamonds and Pearls. Wrong on both counts. You were given this name due to your parents humping to the 70s hit Pearl’s A Singer by Elkie Brooks, about a tragic club singer whose ambitions to make it big were never fulfilled. You’re not a singer, and you can’t play the piano, but you’re in no way successful, so your parents go that bit right.


There’s no escaping the fact that you’ve been named after a Dolly Parton song. ‘Your beauty is beyond compare / With flaming locks of auburn hair’ is a hell of a lot to live up to, and female acquaintances will enjoy joking about you stealing their man ‘just because you can’, which is a bit insulting if Jeff is a paunchy work bore you wouldn’t shag in several million years. Yes, as a musical form country and western has a lot to answer for, as your brother Sue will attest.