Bitching about others behind their backs counts as a hobby, claim women

SECRETLY slagging people off is in fact a hobby and not a toxic behaviour, women have asserted.

They feel that privately exchanging snide, withering comments about family members and mutual friends is actually a wholesome feminine pastime like needlepoint or flower arranging, and does not deserve its bad reputation.

Woman Donna Sheridan said: “Don’t listen to what that cow with a face like a slapped arse in accounts says. I bitch in my spare time as well, which means it’s a bona fide hobby.

“When I’m not bitching about my best friend’s wedding dress I’m bitching about my mother-in-law’s driving or my husband’s underwhelming sexual performance. I’ve easily clocked up over 10,000 hours which means I’m an expert bitcher, so I know what I’m talking about.

“And unlike other hobbies you don’t need expensive gear to bitch – just having cutting opinions and the ability to form sentences. No wonder bitching is the number one hobby among women around the world.”

Ellie Shaw from Dumfries said: “Trying to shame bitching is yet another example of patriarchal oppression. If men weren’t so insecure about saying their mate’s hair looked shit behind their back they’d see for themselves how fun it is.

“Similarly, getting mad at boyfriends for glancing at their phones when we spend all day glued to ours is a hobby too. And if you don’t believe us you’re part of the problem.”

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Reasons to do Dry January, ranked from smug superiority to health benefits

DECIDED not to drink for a month? Here are the best reasons to do so, from being insufferably pleased with yourself right down to trivial benefits like living longer.

Smug superiority

The reason most people choose to do Dry January is to prove how much better they are than those who can’t get through the misery of deepest winter without booze. The worst are the ones who get so high from the constant feeling of smugness they carry on into February while never shutting up about it. With just a bit of commitment you can be like those twats. Go for it.

Not making a tit of yourself

If you got so pissed over Christmas you embarrassed yourself in front of your boss, your mum, your partner or strangers on the street, Dry January will look like an attractive idea. But all that will happen is that by the time you start drinking again in February your tolerance will be so low that a single pint of Stella will have you mooning a passing police car the second you leave the pub.

Being less of a fat bastard

Having ploughed into the pigs-in-blankets and Celebrations over Christmas, you’ve tried to put your work trousers back on this week and found them worryingly tight. The easiest way to counter this overindulgence is by swearing off the booze. At least until around January 10th, when you crack and open a bottle of wine, then have to feel guilty on top of feeling chubby.

Checking to see if you’re a borderline alcoholic

Getting concerned you like a drink a bit too much? Dry January is a great way to test whether you can easily go for four weeks without booze, or if you spend every evening fantasising about cracking open a cold cider. If you find yourself secretly necking one in the airing cupboard, then you should probably look at stopping forever.

Saving some cash

As your post-Christmas bank balance will clearly show, alcohol is very expensive, and even the own-brand stuff from the supermarket you drink is increasingly pricey. If you put all the money you’d have spent on booze in a jar you could buy yourself something really fancy at the end of the month, like a 1kg tub of Lurpak.

Enjoying the health benefits

Despite what medical professionals say, this is the least important reason to do Dry January. Yeah, you might feel a bit better physically, but that will never top the intense feelings of self-satisfaction that are the top reason for doing it. If you’re not doing it to feel holier-than-thou, you might as well not bother.