Atheists Are Nice People Who Will Roast In Hell, Says Cardinal

ATHEISTS and agnostics are decent people whose tormented souls will burn for all eternity in the scorching fires of hell, Britain's biggest catholic said last night.

Cardinal Cormac Murphy O'Connor said non-believers should be respected, right up to the point of death when they will finally come face to face with Satan and his blood-soaked pitchfork.

He told a conference in London: "Those without faith should not be shunned or abused. Jesus and Beelzebub are already cooking something up for them, don't you worry about that."

The leader of Roman Catholics in England and Wales stressed that a 'hidden God' was active in everyone's life, often nipping to the shops for them or wiping down their kitchen surfaces.

Stressing that God was not in the phonebook, the Cardinal said: "You can't just ring him up. You have to get an appointment and that can take up to 18 months.

"I suppose I could try to put in a good word for you… if only I wasn't so skint – if you catch my drift…"

He admitted talking about God was difficult, especially as some people genuinely believe a man was born of a virgin, performed miracles and then died and came back to life, while others believe that is a lot of insane, voodoo rubbish.

He added: "We must not allow Britain to become devoid of religious faith, otherwise how will I afford new hats?"

The Cardinal's lecture follows clashes over stem cell research and gay rights, where the church tried to impose laws based on a 2000 year-old book written by people who stoned each other to death for wearing the wrong clothes.

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Flower Was Asking For It, Says Bee

A DAFFODIL who accused a Bumblebee of groping it in a public park was asking for it, the bee claimed last night. 

According to the bee it was flying on its normal route collecting pollen when it suddenly caught sight of bright yellow shape waving at it in the breeze.

As it flew over to take a closer look, the bee said the daffodil started to sway sexily from side to side before it opened up its petals and flashed its stamen.

The bee said: "I was just flying around minding my own business. Yes, I was looking for a bit of pollen if there was any on offer, but you tell me, what bee isn’t?

"I didn’t make the first move, it wasn’t me standing there with me bits flapping around in the air for everyone to see, filthy tart.

"If they aren’t up for a bit of action they shouldn’t flaunt themselves like that. I’m a normal red-blooded male. I was aroused. She led me on. I couldn’t stop myself."

Nikki Quinn, chair of the flower rights group Reclaim the Park, said bees had to recognise that when a daffodil said no, it meant no.

She said: "Every flower has to right to flap where it pleases, when it pleases, with as many stamens showing as it wants, without being pestered and molested by these pervert bees.

"We just do not accept that a bee is incapable of a little self-control, whatever the temptation, and if it is, then it can always go and visit those dirty begonias by the boating pool."