Boris Johnson recalled to the Beano

BORIS Johnson has left the Conservative Party to return to the pages of the Beano, he has confirmed. 

The long-running comic character began a trial run in reality back in 1999, when he proved such a success on Have I Got News For You that he was given his own spin-off of increasingly ludicrous adventures.

However recent storylines have seen his popularity with the public plummet and he will now be folded back into the weekly publication, running between Pup Parade and The Numskulls. 

Editor Norman Steele said: “He’s had a great run out there in the real world but lately we’ve been struggling to come up with anything even remotely credible.

“The mayoral period was a rich vein of comedy, judging bonny baby contests and the like, but we all felt that being a member of the cabinet was a bit of a stretch for a character whose dialogue is mainly ‘Cripes’, ‘Golly’ and ‘Yaroo!’

“He’ll be happier back in Beanotown where even the most imaginative double-page spread of catastrophe has no consequences whatsoever because everything’s reset the following week.”

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Gove running on betrayal ticket

MICHAEL Gove is to stand as Tory leader on the basis that he will betray absolutely anyone without a second’s hesitation. 

Taking the stage to The O’Jays classic Back Stabbers, Gove promised that there is nothing and nobody that he will not double-cross for even the tiniest advantage. 

He continued: “Knifing Boris is nothing. It’s like letting the air out of one of those giant parade inflatables, everyone’s tempted. 

“But my promise to the electorate is that I will turn on the party, the voters and even the Queen herself just for the sheer deceiving thrill of it. I will sell this whole country to China just to see your faces, then shake my head condescendingly at your naivety. 

“I am the only candidate endorsed by Judas, and even he regrets it after I told Satan he was messing around giving political endorsements. Vote for me.” 

Julian Cook, MP for Wiltshire North, said: “He’s the one candidate I absolutely trust to betray that trust in the most contemptible way possible. Can the rest say the same?” 

Following the announcement, Gove’s wife Sarah Vine published a Daily Mail column about how her odious husband was unfit to lead and frequently wet the bed.