Britain 'incredibly proud' of man who fell out of building

BRITAIN is still a world-leader at producing people who can fall out of buildings, it has been confirmed.

The 15-storey plummet of Tom Stilwell has silenced critics who claimed the country was past its best at hurtling unaided towards the ground.

Prime minister David Cameron hailed Stilwell as the ‘latest in a long line of heroes’ and said he was just what Britain needed in a non-Olympic year.

He added: “It can be very difficult to feel British when our cyclists, equestrians and Mo Farah are not taking part in meaningful competitions.

“But we are all standing a little bit taller today thanks to Tom’s decision to use balconies instead of stairs.”

But experts said Stilwell’s victory was undermined by the fact that he had to go all the way to New Zealand to fall out of a building.

Trainer Martin Bishop said: “Tom is a very skilful young man but it proves that we need to do more to encourage our home-grown talent to fall out of British buildings.”

Bishop called for more investment in state of the art facilities, including tower blocks with balconies just far enough apart so that you think you might make it.

Meanwhile, Cameron has invited Stilwell to a Downing Street reception for non-Olympic year heroes including an old woman who drove the wrong way down the M4 and a man who nail-gunned his foreskin to a bookcase.

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Bring back erotic thrillers to Channel 5, says Cameron

DAVID Cameron wants erotic thrillers back on Channel 5 to wean the nation off hardcore internet porn.

The prime minister said: “I always thought erotic thrillers like Night Eyes 2 with Shannon Tweed gave the right balance of titillation with gripping plotlines.

“No one needs to see full penetration when you’ve got high production values and a cool soft rock soundtrack.

“Also I liked how they were on Friday nights just after my wife’s bedtime.”