Can I have one girlfriend without you bastards f**king it up? asks Harry

PRINCE Harry has asked the world’s media if he could just have one relationship that is not immediately ruined by bastard journalists. 

The prince has released a letter to the media asking if they could just one time not steam straight into a new girlfriend’s life and bollocks it all up.

He continued: “Seriously you fuckers, the prince thing only gets you so far when she’s getting a hundred texts her day about her mum being followed by stubbly, fag-scented photographers.

“And I do not need every newspaper in Britain muttering words like ‘Compton’ and ‘ghetto’ like a horrendously prejudiced grandparent. Especially as I already have a horrendously prejudiced grandparent.

“Stop saying I could do better. You might think so, but by any realistic measure she’s already way out of my league, okay?”

Following the letter, newspapers agreed that what would be lovely is getting out the family album to show this new girl photos of Harry dressed as a Nazi.

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Man who ‘doesn’t care’ about election acting like some sort of Buddha

A MAN is irritating his colleagues by being self-consciously indifferent to the presidential election.

Tom Booker, an accounts administrator from Maidstone, is rising above the frantic speculation with an annoyingly philosophical approach like he is some sort of mystical guru.

Co-worker Nikki Hollis said: “The office is rife with chat about whether Donald Trump is going to annihilate us all by declaring war on China, or if Hillary Clinton is actually a robot controlled by the Illuminati, but Tom won’t join in.

“He just gives this beatific smile and says something like ‘guys, it’s out of our hands’ or ‘it’s up to America to make their choice’ and then changes the subject.

“He won’t even join in with our misty-eyed chat about how much we admire Barack Obama and secretly fancy Michelle.

“I used to think he was just a laidback guy, but his lack of hysterical overreaction is making me suspect he voted for Brexit.”

Booker said: “I just think they need to chill out. Also, I don’t understand politics and don’t want anyone to realise.”