US election put into perspective by Toblerone crisis

THE US election has been put into perspective by Britons reeling from a life-changing alteration to Toblerone bars.

Across Britain all election-watching has been immediately curtailed by a nation struggling to understand why their chocolate has changed and who allowed it to happen.

Nathan Muir of Dumfries said: “Give Trump the nuclear codes now, I don’t give a shit.

“Have you seen what they’ve done? The vast, barren plain of chocolate between each delicious honey-and-nougat peak?

“Not only are we losing chocolate, how can that be fairly broken and shared? Someone’s always going to get too much. This will destroy marriages.

“I suppose sometimes you need to be reminded of what’s really important. I remember that from when Cadbury relaunched the Snowflake in September 2001.”

Toblerone manufacturer Mondelez said: “We have no control over the frequency of Toblerone chunks, which occur naturally according to the rhythms of the cosmos.

“These new Toblerones show that the universe is slowing to a halt. It’s deep stuff.”

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Woman working hard on winter body

A WOMAN who ate a doughnut in the middle of the night is making her body an appropriate shape for the season.

Emma Bradford is aiming for the perfect ‘winter body’ in time for the colder weather by eating a shit-ton of fatty things and getting nice and chubby.

Bradford said: “It stands to reason that if you’re meant to have slim body for the summer, then you need to have a warm layer of blubber for when it’s chilly.

“It has meant changing the way I eat, but I’ve made a handy menu planner that tells me when to replace lettuce with a sausage or quinoa with two packets of Space Raiders.

“My aim is to outgrow my clothes by Christmas and realise my dream of wearing a slanket to the office party.”