THE US election has been put into perspective by Britons reeling from a life-changing alteration to Toblerone bars.
Across Britain all election-watching has been immediately curtailed by a nation struggling to understand why their chocolate has changed and who allowed it to happen.
Nathan Muir of Dumfries said: “Give Trump the nuclear codes now, I don’t give a shit.
“Have you seen what they’ve done? The vast, barren plain of chocolate between each delicious honey-and-nougat peak?
“Not only are we losing chocolate, how can that be fairly broken and shared? Someone’s always going to get too much. This will destroy marriages.
“I suppose sometimes you need to be reminded of what’s really important. I remember that from when Cadbury relaunched the Snowflake in September 2001.”
Toblerone manufacturer Mondelez said: “We have no control over the frequency of Toblerone chunks, which occur naturally according to the rhythms of the cosmos.
“These new Toblerones show that the universe is slowing to a halt. It’s deep stuff.”