People excited about Christmas adverts told about rest of human culture

PEOPLE who cannot wait for big shops’ new Christmas TV adverts have been told about books, films and art.

Amid growing excitement about a John Lewis, people who love cloying corporate sentimentality have been informed about humanity’s other cultural output.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “For many centuries before high street shops started creating 30-second seasonal narratives to sell jumpers, mankind has been telling stories.

“These stories were written down in books, which are stored in libraries or on bookshelves. Some of them are pretty good.

“Museums are another good starting point for learning about the things humanity has created that do not involve an animated creature breathing on a window and then drawing a heart in the steam.

“Fuck it, even Netflix has some good stuff on it.”

Mother-of-two Nikki Hollis said: “I actually tried to get the book version of the last John Lewis advert but apparently it doesn’t exist.

“I hope the new one is about an otter who falls in love with Rita Ora and they have little half-human festive otter pups. Then they all go up in a balloon.”


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Trump shocked to discover women can vote

DONALD Trump is furious after discovering that women can vote in elections.

The Republican candidate was at a last-minute rally when he remarked on how it was lucky that ‘they’ couldn’t vote.

However an aide then informed him that the US has enjoyed full female suffrage since 1920.

After a brief explanation of what suffrage means, Trump said: “Even the fat and old ones? How many of their votes count as one man-vote?

“I would not have said a lot of that shit had I known this. God damn it all to hell.”

He added: “You know some of them can do magic too? That’s why they used to make them go and live in caves.”