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Carol Kirkwood: 'From now on, weather won't affect me'

RETIRING BBC presenter Carol Kirkwood has announced that after 28 years of weather, she and it are no longer involved in any way.

The 63-year-old has been the weather presenter of BBC Breakfast since 2010, but says retirement means she is taking ‘a clean break’ from weather because they ‘need some time off from each other’.

She continued: “I assure you the feeling’s mutual. The meteorological state of the UK won’t have me prying into its business every morning, and in return it’s leaving me in peace!

“Until further notice, rain won’t get me wet. Sun won’t dazzle me. An overnight drop in temperature coupled with wind chill that, in my previous role, would have me warning everyone to ‘wrap up warm’? Nothing to do with me.

“I can garden in a bikini in January or wear my big parka to Sicily in August, knowing weather’s staying well away. It’ll be a real relief not having it on my mind all the time. Will I go back to being affected by weather? Oh, maybe in a decade.

“The difficult part will be making small talk with other Britons. ‘Another wet bank holiday,’ they’ll say, and I’ll have to respond that it’s not really any of my business anymore so it’s actually a bit awkward bringing it up.”

She added: “It wasn’t one thing that ended it with me and weather, just the accumulation of a thousand little lies. It didn’t cuck me like it did Michael Fish.”

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How to win back a partner you very publicly dumped: A guide for the UK

HAVE you ditched your significant other in dramatic fashion but now realise you want them back? Win them over with this guide.

Admit you regret leaving

You need to show your ex you’ve done some reflection and realised it was wrong of you to part ways. You thought that being rid of them would free you up to meet exciting new partners, but instead you got shackled to a deranged narcissist who treats you like shit. This and a few months of pathetic grovelling should woo your ex back out of pity.

Remind them of the good times

Yes, your break-up was ugly, but that doesn’t define the whole relationship. Ask them to remember the good bits, like when they initially rejected your advances, all the times you refused to go along with their demands, and how you’d openly ridicule everything they stood for over the course of decades. Once they recall these wonderful moments they’ll come running back to you.

Shower them with compliments

Don’t be afraid to lay it on thick. Given how you broke up it’s the least you can do. Superficial compliments such as praising their financial generosity will help, but if you really want to win their heart tell them how good and kind they are as a person, for example their strong belief in freedom of movement for all citizens. Even if they suspect you don’t really mean it they’ll still appreciate the effort.

Make a grand gesture

Words are cheap. If they don’t align with your actions they’ll appear hollow. A big gesture will impress your ex, even if it feels like you’re betraying yourself in the process. Yes, adopting their currency goes against your core principles, but do you want to forever be left on the shelf of geopolitics? Didn’t think so. Abase yourself now.

Tell them you’ve changed

Your ex won’t take you back if you’re the same person as when you left. Thankfully your life has gone to shit ever since you stormed out. You’ve tried to shift the blame but you can’t avoid the fact that breaking up was the stupidest decision you ever made. There’s a strong chance they’ll take you back once they see you’re a knackered shadow of your former self. And you’re certainly that right now.

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