THE Artemis mission is underway, but space travel has been ruined by sci-fi. Try not to yawn as the astronauts send back incredible images of our moon, and not these things:
Decepticons
In Transformers: The Dark of the Moon Decepticons are hiding on the moon. What will we see during the Artemis mission? Just a boring grey sphere. Come on NASA, next time show us some giant robots beating the f**k out of each other in a way that’s too confusing for your brain to process. That’s where the bar is set.
Sexy Nazis
Artemis can’t hope to live up to Iron Sky, which asks the fascinating question: what if Nazis went to the moon, and some of them were really hot? Luckily if there is a real Nazi moonbase it will be easy for NASA to spot due to being shaped like a massive swastika. Which seems an unnecessary architectural flourish when you’ve got to build it wearing SS-themed spacesuits.
Clones of yourself
In Moon a moonbase operative discovers he is just one of hundreds of expendable clones with a lifespan of three years. If the Artemis astronauts were told mid-flight they were clones and about to die it would be an amazing reveal and make up for all the boring bits. Something to consider next time, NASA?
A massive face
It’s not explicitly stated that the giant moon face in Georges Méliès pioneering 1902 film A Trip to the Moon is hostile, but it would f**king freak you out. To be honest the most horrifying thing about the Artemis mission is imagining their high-tech space toilet breaking and ‘piss bubbles’ floating around everywhere. Don’t even think about number twos.
A psychopathic robot
During the current mission the moon is unlikely to be blown out of its orbit by exploding radioactive waste, as it is in the scientifically rigorous 1970s TV show Space: 1999. As such the crew are unlikely to be tormented by a robot called ‘Brian the Brain’ who conducts sadistic experiments to attempt to understand the puzzling human emotion known as ‘love’. Which we can all agree is a shame, albeit a bit cheesy.
Cat-Women
Cat-Women of the Moon sadly never explains why moon-dwelling women in leotards are in some way cats, but the Artemis astronauts won’t be encountering any such threat, and will mainly just be checking boring computer screens. At least there’s no risk of cat-women using human women to take over the Earth, although that was probably a more terrifying idea in 1953.
It’s all a hoax
Such is the premise of Capricorn One, and a massive conspiracy going right to the top would liven up the Artemis crew doing space stuff we’ve all seen before. If they then had to avoid being hunted down and killed as part of a cover-up that would be even better. Hell, if the mission had happened a couple of years ago they could have sent OJ Simpson with them for extra dramatic tension.
