Catholic church accused of saint-fixing

NON-CATHOLICS have called for an investigation after they were once again passed over for sainthood.

As Pope Francis announced the canonisation of two former colleagues, evidence is coming to light of a pro-Catholic bias in the selection process.

Saintologist Nikki Hollis said: “I’ve personally seen David Copperfield rise from the dead after being sawn in half, but once again he’s been ignored for sainthood just because he’s Jewish.

“And what about Derren Brown? He can make anyone do anything.”

The miracles performed by Pope John Paul II and John XXIII have been criticised as insignificant compared to Brown’s body of work.

John Paul’s sainthood application form mentions a Sicilian woman whose wart dropped off after rubbing herself with his photo, while John XXIII’s miraculous powers are listed as ‘excellent taste in wine’ and ‘being really good at finding a parking space’.

Robert Mugabe was present at the sainthood awards ceremony, where he pressed Pope Francis on whether making 100,000 of his own citizens disappear placed him in consideration for next year’s canonisations.

Hollis said: “The real test will be whether they make Mother Teresa a saint after it is revealed that for the last twenty years of her life she was a practising Jedi.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

United granted 'Fergie Time' season extension

MANCHESTER United have been granted six extra games after a meeting between the Referee’s Association and Sir Alex Ferguson.

Two games each will be played against Norwich, Fulham and Cardiff City, giving United the chance to earn a further 18 points and putting them back in contention for the title.

Ferguson said: “I explained, from a distance of one inch at a volume of approximately 110 decibels, that there had been a great deal of timewasting earlier in the season. About 640 minutes worth, in fact.”

When told the extra matches cast serious doubt on whether United players could compete in this summer’s World Cup, Fergie said “So it’s win-win.”

Lawyers have confirmed that the basic principle of the move – if United haven’t won, it’s not over – has been an unwritten rule of the Premier League since its inception and is not open to legal challenge.

Fulham manager Felix Magath said: “In agreeing to this, our club may seem like a desperate, dumped boyfriend willing to be completely humiliated just to play against a Premier League team one last time.

“That is entirely accurate.”