NON-CATHOLICS have called for an investigation after they were once again passed over for sainthood.
As Pope Francis announced the canonisation of two former colleagues, evidence is coming to light of a pro-Catholic bias in the selection process.
Saintologist Nikki Hollis said: I’ve personally seen David Copperfield rise from the dead after being sawn in half, but once again he’s been ignored for sainthood just because he’s Jewish.
“And what about Derren Brown? He can make anyone do anything.”
The miracles performed by Pope John Paul II and John XXIII have been criticised as insignificant compared to Brown’s body of work.
John Paul’s sainthood application form mentions a Sicilian woman whose wart dropped off after rubbing herself with his photo, while John XXIII’s miraculous powers are listed as ‘excellent taste in wine’ and ‘being really good at finding a parking space’.
Robert Mugabe was present at the sainthood awards ceremony, where he pressed Pope Francis on whether making 100,000 of his own citizens disappear placed him in consideration for next year’s canonisations.
Hollis said: The real test will be whether they make Mother Teresa a saint after it is revealed that for the last twenty years of her life she was a practising Jedi.