Celebrities on Pointless could really do with the money they're giving to charity

THE winning celebrity team on Pointless Celebrities often look like they could really do with the two grand they are giving to a hospice, viewers have confirmed.

With the afternoon game show currently serving up around 25 celebrities a week it is clear that they have gone past the big names who can afford to give some money to charity and are now dealing with celebrities who did not really make that much money when they were famous.

Former soap star, ‘Nasty’ Nick Cotton said: “I’d like to give the two and a half grand we’ve won to my local dog hospital in Bedford, if that’s OK. I’m sure the dogs need it more than me. Probably.

“Plus, after the huge exposure I’ll get from being on this afternoon game show that’s aimed mainly at the housebound and people who don’t know what the internet is, I’m sure to get some juicy acting roles.

“And if I don’t, well, I hope the dogs enjoy their fancy new leads.”

Fellow former TV star Zippy added, “I could really have used that prize money to pay off some loan sharks.

“They’ve already cut off two of my fingers.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

What to think about on the bog when you forget to take your phone with you

Have you been left alone with your thoughts when you would normally be playing Flappy Bird? Here’s what you should think about to fill those long, lonely minutes.

What happened to all those ‘toilet books’ that everyone had?
Every toilet in the land used to have a cistern full of smug little books about how to be calm or why being a grammar Nazi is great. Where have they all gone?

Would drinking a bottle of Domestos be fatal?
Before phones and toilet books, the only bathroom entertainment was deciphering the difficult chemical names on the back of cleaning products. Clue: probably, so don’t try it.

Is there a murderer behind the shower curtain?
It’s unlikely, but pursuing this line of thought could turn your bathroom visit into a thrilling and frightening experience similar to an immersive screening of Psycho, rather than a humdrum bodily function.

What is the meaning of life?
A hard hitting question with much to explore, but luckily you’ve only got as long as it takes to do a shit so you probably won’t fall into endless existential despair before it’s over, unless you’re constipated.

Should I paint over that disturbing patch of mould?