Clarkson to guest-edit Guardian

JEREMY Clarkson will be guest editor of The Guardian for a week, the newspaper has announced.

The Top Gear star has promised that during his tenure the liberal-left broadsheet will focus on cars, girls and destruction.

Clarkson said: “It’s about time the Grauniad started addressing real issues, like ‘How would a bevy of gorgeous Page 3 girls in bikinis handle a supercar like the Lamborghini Aventador?’

“Instead of reviewing lame pinko films about Polish lesbians, Peter Bradshaw will crash a train into a horse.

“Polly Toynbee and Zoe Williams can fuck off for a week, because I’ve commissioned my own columnists: Nigel Farage, Jim Davidson, Andy McNab, Norman Tebbit and Roy ‘Chubby’ Brown.

“Hadley Freeman’s fashion column will go too, because I will be reviewing high-waisted jeans that display a pronounced penile bulge.”

Guardian editor Alan Rusbridger said: “This is an exciting experiment for The Guardian, because it might broaden our readership beyond teachers and people who make their own pesto.

“Jeremy has got some really interesting ideas, in particular his campaign to encourage readers to run over a Frenchman.”

Guardian reader Tom Logan said: “I don’t think The Guardian should get involved in this sort of gimmick, but I am secretly looking forward to the photo-feature about Kelly Brook re-enacting classic SAS missions.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Of course I smoke crack, says Boris

BORIS Johnson has admitted being ‘on the pipe’.

Following the moving confession by Toronto’s mayor that he had dabbled in crack, Boris Johnson admitted that he too was partial to the invigorating substance.

He said: “Obviously I smoke crack, or ‘the mayor’s friend’ as I prefer to call it.

“London life is all about highs and lows – the incredible euphoria of shopping on Bond Street, the crushing despair of living in a Wood Green bedsit.

“I tried understanding the city by reading lots of Peter Ackroyd books, but they didn’t really give me those extreme emotions like crack does.

“Also it gives me great ideas, like my plan to build an airport in the middle of a river.”

Political analyst Julian Cook said: “Illegal drugs make up 40 per cent of London’s economy and 100 per cent of its recreational activity, so it’s logical that we have a mayor who is an out-and-proud basehead.”

Londoner Joanna Kramer said: “That’s why I voted for Boris, because he’s sweaty and unkempt which in my impressionable mind equates to personality.

“I don’t mind if he smokes crack, he earns a good salary so he should be able to keep it together.”

Boris Johnson added: “I’m not ashamed to be a man of the people. You think I live in a big fancy house in West London, actually it’s a squat with all the copper stripped out and pigeons nesting in the bathroom.”