Corgis eat ‘heroic’ quantity of magic mushrooms

THE Queen’s corgis have been left permanently changed after consuming vast quantities of magic mushrooms.

Gardener Alan Titchmarsh identified the hallucinogenic fungi in the grounds of Buckingham Palace, which the corgis immediately assumed were some kind of dog treat.

Corgi Stephen Malley said: “I feel very aware of the universe as a single holistic organism.

“That’s a big deal because yesterday I couldn’t even talk.”

He added: “The monarchy is bollocks. Oppose all forms of hierarchy. Embrace cats.

“I can’t go back to being a lapdog of the oppressor. I shall roam the highways and byways of the land, spreading the message of love with my drug-infused corgi urine.”

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Christmas jumpers make being fired such jolly fun

A JUNIOR accountant’s disciplinary proceedings were full of festive cheer because everyone involved was wearing a Christmas jumper.

An air of yuletide glee livened the 20-minute hearing in Conference Room C, decorated with a fibreoptic Christmas tree, as allegations of gross misconduct were outlined by a senior manager wearing a red-and-white jumper with Santa on it.

Stephen Malley said: “I was a bit worried that the significant blow this represents to my career might make it a bit of a sombre occasion.

“But I couldn’t help smiling as I was told my contract was terminated, effective immediately, because my supervisor’s holly sprig earrings were flashing red and green.

“And as the security guard arrived to escort me off the premises his socks began playing We Wish You A Merry Christmas, which kept me chuckling as I emptied the contents of my desk into a cardboard box.”